Despite this, they were talking about ending their relationship. They couldn’t describe what was wrong, but both felt the relationship was empty. I followed the usual process: We looked for places of trouble, which were few, and explored the good parts of their relationship, which were many. However, it was as if a spark between them was never lit. In the end, they felt it was best to part amicably, which they did. These two stories point to one of the most important truths my 35 years of working with couples has shown me. Though we know many of the qualities and skills that make a great relationship—most of which can be learned—there is no rule book for what makes two people work. Sometimes people just know their relationships are over; other times, even though it’s hard, they are willing to do the work to make it good again. There are times you MUST leave—if there is ongoing abuse or if you are in danger of physical harm, you should only consider staying safe. Repeated bouts of addiction, cheating, emotional badgering, and severe financial abuse need to be handled with extreme care as well. That means finding a safe way to leave is the only sensible possibility. Of course, each of those issues can find resolution, but a partner who is unwilling to change their destructive behavior will only harm you. Outside of these, there are situations in which you just don’t know if you should leave or stay. Here are three things to pay attention to if you are facing the dilemma of working on your marriage or ending it: Just remember that love is a feeling and that a relationship is an agreement that has many seasons. We disappoint one another, hurt one another, and sometimes even bore one another. However, those times that seem impossible in the moment can give more trust and resilience to the relationship overall. The antidote to this is to do your part of the work on understanding your problems, even if your partner is not willing to. If you are in a relationship that involves unproductive arguments, find a way to stop your side of them. If you cope with your troubles by being defensive, practice being more open and more vulnerable. When one person changes, often their partner does unwittingly. So unless you are in danger, slow your decision down. Remember, a relationship is a dynamic between two people. The most important outcome is that you heal—and free yourself—from your part of what makes your relationship unhealthy. Your partner may or may not do their side of the work, but your actions will clear the way for a decision based on strength and intuition rather than a reaction to an issue that might later be resolved. Many relationships can overcome challenges when both people are willing to learn to practice the skills. It not, at least you won’t be continuing the same patterns with someone else. And that’s a step in the right direction. Hoping to save your marriage? Ask yourself this question.
