Now pretend you’re a person going about your day, and you suddenly get a bunch of texts from a friend who’s freaking out about something they’re dealing with right now. Let’s say that in this moment, you yourself are also dealing with a lot of stress over something in your own life. How do you respond? “Asking for consent for emotional labor, even from people with whom you have a long-standing relationship that is welcoming to crisis-averting, should be common practice,” Fabello writes later in the thread. “Too often, friends unload on me without warning – which not only interrupts whatever I’m working on or going through, but also throws me into a stressful state of crisis mode that is hard to come down from. Unless it is TRULY an emergency, that’s unfair.” (It’s worth giving the whole thread a read.) Some people criticized the idea of describing supporting a friend as “emotional labor,” suggesting it makes friendships feel transactional and commodifies our gestures of care as just another item on the capitalist market. Others wondered if we’re all starting to push away our friends and social connections in the name of “self-care,” further contributing to the loneliness epidemic. “At what point does ‘self-care/self-preservation/boundaries’ cross into ‘being a bad friend with 100% immunity,’” Fashionista.com’s editor-in-chief Tyler McCall tweeted in response to the debate. “I have a really hard time imagining telling a friend who needed me like, ‘sorry dude I’m at capacity! Can I refer you to someone else?’ as though I were an in-demand facialist or something.” All three therapists agree that, yes, friends should ask permission before initiating conversations that require emotional support. Here’s why: The term emotional labor was originally developed by sociologist Arlie Hochschild in the 1980s to describe the work of regulating and masking one’s own emotions to manage a customer’s emotions, usually in reference to service work. Some people argue the term is meant to be a critique of capitalism and the way it commodifies our very emotions, and it thus should not be used in other contexts. Other people believe the term has now expanded to become a general way to acknowledge any invisible emotional work, in any part of our lives. Specific terminology aside, what’s most important to acknowledge here is that taking care of people—even people you love—can sometimes be difficult, stressful, and disorienting. “Emotional labor is the process by managing and regulating your own feelings in order to perform a task; in these situations, the tasks at hand are to listen, provide support, and problem-solve depending on what the asker is looking for. In order to do this, the friend has to be fully present and be able to momentarily put their own issues to the side in order to engage thoughtfully and mindfully. Doing this is not easy,” Mancao explains. “Now imagine doing this often and without warning.” Francis says we can set up expectations and agreements with our friends about the best ways to support each other. Some people are totally willing to drop everything at any time to support a friend. Some people are only like this with certain friends. Others may only be able to offer this type of prioritization and support depending on their own mental state. Just like with any relationship, a conversation can help clarify what you each want and need. “Simply because someone is our friend does not mean we are entitled to their emotional and energetic space at random,” Mancao says. “It’s important that we don’t take this personal or to mean anything negative about the friendship.” For the person who is being asked to provide support at a time when you’re not able to do so, Mancao says it’s okay to offer another time where you’ll follow up. This can still be an act of care for the friend in need: “By them setting the boundary and saying ‘I can’t be there for you right now,’ they are also communicating to you that you deserve to have a fully present and emotionally available person at your side, and they cannot be that at this moment,” she says. “They still respond with warmth and care even when they are unable to hold space at the requested moment.” If you’re the friend who needs support, it can be hard, sometimes impossible, to consider the needs of the friend who you want help from. But friendship is a two-way street. “Everyone is dealing with their own issues, and sometimes we can be triggered by other’s stories or situations,” says marriage and family therapist Patrice N. Douglas, LMFT. “We need to be accountable for how we can contribute to our loved one’s mental health.” “All of our relationships are opportunities to practice consent and compassion,” Francis adds. “It isn’t that we shouldn’t expect care and emotional labor from our friends, but our friends do not exist to be on-call to fulfill our emotional demands the moment we want their support. Asking if this is a good time to talk about certain material is a gentle way of negotiating for our needs.” The bottom line? When we’re in crisis, it doesn’t mean we have the right to pull our friends into crisis too. Friendship does mean feeling able to ask for help, and it also means being understanding with each other when we can’t always be there. With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
