There are two types of sexual desire: spontaneous desire and responsive desire. Spontaneous desire means you can get turned on and feel like having sex almost randomly out of the blue, whereas responsive desire means you find yourself turned on when you’re already in a sexual situation. Sometimes people with responsive desire think they have a low libido, especially if their partner has spontaneous desire. But in reality, these responsive folks generally may have plenty of desire for sex—they just need a specific context to access it. It’s not gonna just happen out of the blue. Back in 2010, research by clinical psychologists Katie McCall, Ph.D., and Cindy Meston, Ph.D., identified four categories of sexual cues1 that are key to women’s sexual desire: Some examples of this type of cue from McCall and Meston’s research: Some examples from McCall and Meston: Some other examples from McCall and Meston: Some examples of the type of cue from McCall and Meston: “Since most of us won’t stumble on a magic relationship lantern or sex genie in this lifetime,” she writes, “consciously understanding the different contextual factors—internal and external—that support and contribute to our personal experience of enjoyable sex is one of the most accessible and realistic paths to sexually empowering ourselves.” If you’re someone who feels like they struggle with sexual desire, spend some time sitting and thinking through what contextual cues tend to make you feel turned on. Once you know what they are, you can focus on bringing more of those elements into your life so that you can access your desire whenever you want. With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
