If you find yourself writhing with stress a few months into a relationship, constantly feeling like you’re going to be “found out,” you may be struggling with a pervasive need for external approval. Here, signs your need for approval is sabotaging your love life. In most of these cases, researchers found that LSEs were often so preoccupied with their volatile self-image that they misinterpreted positive affirmations from their partners. A person with low self-esteem and a deep need for approval, for instance, might hear their partner say, “I love you,” but they’ll find a way to rationalize the sentiment. They don’t really love me, the mind of an LSE will conclude. They’re mistaken, and I’ll speed things along by provoking them. If you’re even subconsciously afraid of rejection, and you find yourself needing constant approval from your partner, you may start to suppress your natural urges and desires in order to seem less “difficult.” You’ll swallow, for instance, the desire to go out more often, telling yourself that you’re just being a chill partner, but in time, you’ll start to resent both yourself and your partner for letting the relationship fall into place the way it has. And things will snowball. In fact, a study published in the Journal of Social Psychology found a correlation between dishonesty and low self-esteem1, specifically in romantic relationships between men and women. Another study even linked low self-esteem to a toxic pattern of conflict and a demand for approval; in other words, if a person’s self-image is volatile, they’re likely to act out in ambivalent ways while trying to keep their partner around. Keep in mind that if you have a deep need for external approval, you’re probably not announcing it on first or second dates. On the contrary, you may be over compensating, or “playing games” in order to emotionally manipulate potential partners into staying interested. Though socially acceptable as a way to play the field, this sort of tactic is at its core just a form of dishonesty, and that, of course, has no place in a healthy relationship. Try as you might, in this state you will never reach the emotional equilibrium of a long-term, supportive relationship, even if it’s not marred by infidelity. Because the core of every healthy relationship is honesty and compromise, and if you’re so uncomfortable with your true self that you don’t believe anyone could love you, you’ll never be able to let your partner see it. It’s a vicious cycle that statistically happens to most couples in which one person has an unstable self-image. The person needing validation amps up their sulking tactics, trying to wrench out the last little bit of complimentary praise their partner can muster, and this unattractive behavior only drives the partner further away. Once the person with self-esteem issues realizes this is happening, they often switch gears and employ the tactics we discussed in our earlier point about self-sabotage. “Fine,” the approval-seeker says to themselves. “If you won’t give me the love I need, then I’ll rot this relationship out from the inside and chase you away.”
