While some people may lean more strongly toward one apology language, it’s possible to have multiple, depending on the situation. Here is a breakdown of each one and how to tell if it’s your preferred apology language: For example, in a 2016 study published in the Negotiation and Conflict Management journal, researchers outlined a specific six-step process for apologizing: Another model of reparations stems from the concept of restorative justice or transformative justice, which are political frameworks that focus on restitution and community healing instead of punishment for crimes. This accountability process has gained some popularity in recent years as a way of making amends for racist behavior. In addition to earnestly acknowledging one’s wrongdoing, making repair according to the wishes of the one who was wronged is key to effective apology (and justice). “Apologizing and becoming more aware is great, but changes in action and physical proof of continued change and ‘working through’ is what most often helps other people feel that we are sincere in our apologies,” licensed therapist Jor-El Caraballo, LMHC, tells mbg. “That also means not shying away from others when we mess up (which we will!). It means actively calling ourselves out in those uncomfortable moments and restating our commitment to change, which is then followed up by visible action.” Still can’t figure it out? Smith says if the person stops talking to you, becomes sarcastic, or throws verbal jabs, those are a few signs they’re harboring resentment and an apology may be warranted. “The more obvious time to apologize is when you see painful tears, worry, or disappointment,” she adds. “If you don’t know what happened to cause pain, then ask. Don’t be afraid to ask what’s wrong.” Remember, even when it’s difficult, apologizing is the first step toward reconciliation, and determining someone’s apology language may improve that process.
