But for those of us in relationships, secret-keeping can have serious and damaging negative consequences. That said, even the smallest of secrets can affect relationships. Slepian, Halevy, and Galinsky’s study found carrying secrets is correlated with a negative sense of well-being, and that can affect the way partners interact with each other. The most significant secrets that affect couples are infidelity, financial problems, and substance abuse—and research suggests this type of secret-keeping is common and destructive. Studies have found infidelity is responsible for 20 to 40% of divorces in the U.S. An estimated 13 million Americans have hidden a bank or credit card account from a live-in significant other, partner, or spouse. Drug overdose deaths are at a record high2, and reports show that surviving loved ones deal with feelings of anger, guilt, and helplessness over the fact that they never knew the drug abuse was occurring. The secrecy deprives family members of the information that could have enabled them to act. Keeping secrets within a relationship can be appealing when it’s predetermined that revealing the information will create conflict or embarrassment. People keep secrets because of fear that their partners won’t be able to love them through the truth. People believe that the anger, shame, humiliation, or recrimination their partner would feel would alienate them and push them away from the relationship. Yet they fail to realize that personal shame, humiliation, and recrimination have already occurred, and that’s what provoked the desire to keep the secret. The relationship has already suffered damage in the form of restricted emotional communication and continuing deceit. Be straightforward, but kind and compassionate. Carefully evaluate the circumstances, such as the timing, location, mood, and mental and emotional state of your partner. If the information is something that might create distress between the two of you (such as infidelity or bankruptcy), you may want to consider having a third party present, such as a couple’s counselor or therapist (or an accountant or lawyer to go over financial options). However, even though at the front end exposing a secret may seem daunting, even terrifying, the relief people feel in the end has positive effects for the individual and the couple. The research by Slepian, Halevy, and Galinsky demonstrated that those who unburden a secret feel happier, more authentic, and closer. Exercising transparency, honesty, and forgiveness are essential for sustaining your personal well-being and the health of your relationship. Even if your partner can’t bring themselves to love you through deceit, “owning” your truth will set you free and on a personal path toward better physical and mental health—and not just in your relationship. Hopefully, it will encourage you to be more truthful in your future relationships with loved ones and family as well.
