But that’s not always the case. In fact, sometimes we incorrectly label all sorts of issues in our sex lives as “low libido” when the problem isn’t actually about not wanting sex. We think we don’t want sex, when in reality, we just don’t want sex the way we’re currently having it. “In some of these cases where people are reporting this low desire and may be seeking help for it, we have a tendency to look at that as if that’s a medical issue and, you know, we need to treat this pharmacologically,” Lehmiller tells mbg in a recent interview. “But the real issue is that they’re just not really comfortable with themselves and with their desires, and they’re not communicating about them.” What exactly does that mean? Below are a few examples of the types of personal issues that can manifest as what appears to be “low libido.” In reality, it’s not an issue of having less desire for sex; it’s personal blocks or contexts that are interrupting your ability to access your desire. The good news? That means your desire is still in there somewhere and is just waiting for an outlet to be released. For example, maybe you’re really into heated, romantically charged, rough sex—but the only kind of sex you and your partner have is lazy missionary where you barely make eye contact and your partner only seems focused on getting himself off. Obviously you’re going to start to find yourself less enthused about the idea of having sex. Who would blame you? The flip side is that as soon as you are presented with the opportunity to have the kind of sex that actually excites you, your desire would naturally come back, Lehmiller explains. So it’s not low desire in general; it’s low desire for one kind sex. “This is a pretty pervasive issue across people of different genders and orientations,” he explains. “The desire for sex is low because they’re just not getting what they want, in part because they don’t feel good about themselves or don’t know how to express their desires in a healthy way.” Even if you’re not into kinky sex, if you generally feel bad or guilty asking for what you want in bed—more oral from your partner, for example, or more kissing and cuddling—those feelings of shame around what your true desires are can alienate you from your libido. Again, it’s not that you don’t have sexual desire. There are just all these blocks making it harder to access it. “Most cases of sexual difficulties, whether we’re talking about desire or issues with orgasm or arousal problems, most of the time there is a psychological issue underlying it, whether it’s anxiety or shame or guilt,” Lehmiller explains. “By treating those issues appropriately, we often find that can improve people’s sexual lives.” Ridding yourself of sexual anxiety doesn’t happen with the snap of your fingers, but if you invest in the work (perhaps with a trained professional), it can result in having more desire going forward. Lehmiller calls this the social comparison effect: “You’re looking at the media or your friends and getting this sense that everybody’s having sex all the time and always has this spontaneous desire. But you’re not feeling it, and you’re not experiencing it the same way other people are, and so you’re assuming that there’s a problem with you when, in actuality, maybe you’re perfectly normal and healthy, and the issue is really just a perception problem.” A lot of people think they should be having more sex than they are, he explains. But if they try to compensate for that by forcing themselves to have more sex just for the sake of it, research suggests “that actually has the paradoxical effect of lowering desire and making them less happy.” That doesn’t mean you need to throw away monogamy; it just means that you should cut yourself some slack if you’re losing interest in sex in your long-term relationship. Interestingly, Lehmiller notes that some sex researchers argue that long-term monogamy is actually harder on women’s libidos than it is on men’s, which would explain why women tend to lose desire faster than men do in long-term relationships. Particularly in relationships, if one person has spontaneous desire and the other has responsive desire, it may cause a similar perception problem as the social comparison effect mentioned earlier. The partner with the responsive desire may feel like they have lower desire because they don’t want sex spontaneously like their partner does. In reality, responsive desire just means desire comes up for you in a different way—not necessarily that you have less of it. In the DSM-5, low libido falls under two possible diagnoses: female sexual interest/arousal disorder and male hypoactive sexual desire disorder. Both are diagnosed when a person has been experiencing reduced or no interest in sex for at least six months and is “significantly distressed” by it. “It’s based on the individual’s perception and the degree to which they feel distressed about their level of sexual desire,” Lehmiller explains. “So it’s usually a bit more subjectively defined rather than, you know, putting a specific number on how many times per month or year they’re having sex.” You can see where the comparison problem can come in. Lehmiller points to the parallel of the high numbers of men who think they have premature ejaculation, when in reality they’re well within the normal range as far as how long it takes them to ejaculate, but they’ve watched a lot of porn and assume they’re supposed to last for 20 or more minutes. “It’s really more of a perception problem rather than an actual problem,” he explains. This is also why there’s a big difference between having a low libido and being asexual; asexual people experience little to no desire for sex as well, but they’re not distressed about it. With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
