Or, when you’re fighting with your significant other, you say something like, “How was I supposed to know? I’m not a mind-reader.” Nunchi is a Korean word that literally translated means “eye-measure.” It’s the art of gauging how people are thinking and feeling in order to create connection, trust, and harmony. It’s related to concepts like emotional intelligence and situation awareness, but with two major distinguishing factors: In Korea, nunchi is woven into daily life. Koreans have a saying: “Half of social life is nunchi.” In the modern world at large, the time for nunchi is long overdue. The myth of autonomy, self-reliance, and generally being pushy and selfish has brought us to the brink of self-destruction: It has worsened income disparities and is eroding the planet. Smartphones just exacerbate the problem, providing an addictive excuse for ignoring everyone. Everyone is a contributing member of this boonwigi just by being there. Act with no nunchi, and you ruin the boonwigi for the whole room. Act with great, or “quick” nunchi, and you can enhance the atmosphere of the room for everyone. The minor adjustment of plugging your five senses—and your gut—into a room has an instantly grounding, harmonizing effect. All you need are your eyes and your ears. And, this cheat sheet can’t hurt. For example, most people have the ability to discern when they’re arriving at a party and the couple hosting it have just had a huge fight—but only if you’re paying attention. If you don’t pick up on this tension, you may miss something. Is the food not yet out on the table? Don’t comment on it, or you may unintentionally be hitting upon the very topic they’re fighting about, and introduce even more unwellness into the atmosphere. I know several instances of someone trying to be formal when meeting a friend’s extended family, only to be met by a crushing bear hug and the comment, “Sorry, we’re a family of huggers.” People who do this: Why? Many people are not comfortable hugging. In essence, you are saying, “We outnumber you and thus are using a display of force.” When meeting anyone for the first time, watch them to see how they expected to be greeted. Do they look as though they’re planning to bow, shake your hand, do the French “bises” (cheek kisses), or—believe it or not—none of the above? Don’t hug your colleague’s wife or husband, only to find that the couple are from a culture where a man and woman who are not spouses are not supposed to touch each other—you’ve basically committed assault in their eyes. Nunchi isn’t just something that’s “nice to have,” like an ear for music or mere charm; it’s a means of survival and well-being. Causing unintentional gaffes due to a lack of nunchi is sometimes hilarious, sure, but often the stakes are more serious. Intent is not impact, as they say. Deliberate or not, the ick from someone nunchi-deficient yields the same result. Think about friends who are no longer your friends, not because of malice, but because people just didn’t want to be around them. Most likely, no one will ever tell this person why they lost friends, were passed up for promotions, or seem to find that doors open to others are closed for them. For such people, life is a mystery. But it doesn’t have to be a mystery. All you need are your eyes and your ears, and the willingness to pay attention to the data points they provide, even if it means sitting through the anxiety of silence.
