If you’re facing the possibility of a breakup right now, don’t lose hope just yet. Just because you’re in hot water doesn’t necessarily mean you need to throw in the towel. If you care deeply about your partner and you’re both committed to making the relationship work, there’s almost always a way to rebuild. “Absent any abuse—substance, alcohol, physical, verbal—I think we have a lot to learn by staying and trying to make things work. We’re going to carry any unresolved issues or work into our next relationship [anyway],” certified sex therapist and couples’ counselor Jessa Zimmerman tells mbg. “When you have looked at your part of the problem and done your work to change (and feel good about that) and you’re still unhappy—that may be time to end the relationship. Avoid the tendency to make rash or sudden decisions in a difficult moment.” “Try not to blindside them, especially if you haven’t shared those concerns before. Give them a chance to change,” Zimmerman says. “Be kind but totally honest. This is the time when there’s nothing to lose.” RELATED: How To Make A Relationship Actually Work: 9 Rules To Follow “Most people are clear on what their partner is doing that is causing the problems but not clear on what they are doing,” Paul tells mbg. “You take yourself with you, which means that you will take with you into your next relationship any unhealed patterns that are your contribution to the problems.” If the problem is less about something either of you is doing to that hurts the other and more about a difference in views or lifestyle, you should both acknowledge this difference—respectfully and without resentment—and consider whether a compromise is reasonable or achievable. (It may not be, and that’s OK.) “Many people who leave are no happier than they were in the relationship,” Paul says. “If you have been making your partner responsible for your feelings and you are blaming your partner for your unhappiness, then it likely isn’t time to leave. You have your own inner work to do.” Oftentimes, many of the problems that emerge in our lives are directly related to underlying mental or emotional struggles we ourselves have been dealing with all along, Paul says: “If you ignore your feelings, judge yourself, turn to various addictions to numb your feelings, or make your partner responsible for your feelings of worth and safety, then you are rejecting and abandoning yourself, and you have inner work to do to learn to love yourself. People tend to treat us the way we treat ourselves, so focus on how you are treating yourself rather than how your partner is treating you.” During this trying time, you need to love yourself now more than ever. What can you do to manifest more self-love right now? RELATED: A 6-Step Process To Actually Learn To Love Yourself “Turning toward your partner and recognizing their pain can take you out of the attack-defend mode that many unproductive fights take on,” Melamed says. “Remembering you are on the same team and [that] the only thing you are fighting for is the relationship to thrive is key. When someone ‘wins’ an argument, that means that someone has to be a loser—is that how you want to see your partner or have them see themselves?” “Tap into the reasons you got together in the first place—access that love—but also know you can’t go back,” she says. “Commit to a process with this person to bring your relationship to a new, good place.” Things were good, once. They can be good again. It may never look exactly the same as it did before; it may very well become even better. “Instead of taking for granted the things that your partner does on a daily basis to make your life together easier, better, run more efficiently—acknowledge and thank them,” Melamed says. “This will strengthen your ability to appreciate one [another] and create an atmosphere where you understand how you collaborate in many ways. It may also inspire you to do more for one another as the positive feedback that comes in creates a positive and more supportive environment.” Say “thank you” out loud when your partner does or says something loving. Convey how grateful you are to them for the work they’re putting into this process, for the coffee they brewed you this morning, for picking up the kids after school, for the peck on the cheek they gave you before heading out the door. These words of appreciation, together with small acts of affection, can begin to rejuvenate the positive energy in your relationship. RELATED: 13 Tips On How To Have A Good, Healthy Relationship With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
