In response to those thoughts, which may or may not be founded in some truth, a person coping with this fear of abandonment may become clingy, insecure, jealous, emotionally manipulative, or even controlling. Typically, this is a learned response. Perhaps they saw adults react this way when they were kids, or maybe their close friends in early adulthood responded to rejection in this way. The normalization of these kinds of unhealthy tendencies can go on for quite some time. “Abandonment issues can largely be created based on childhood trauma and schemas developed as a result,” she explains. But while the fear of abandonment might be easily dismissed as “Mommy issues” or “Daddy issues,” both Dunkers and double board-certified physician Anandhi Narasimhan, M.D., note that any relationship could also be the root cause of abandonment issues. Dunkers says the loss of a loved one at any point in our lifetime can also lend itself to the development of abandonment issues. “In addition, if a spouse or romantic partner decides to end a relationship, this, too, can lead to abandonment issues that could potentially affect future relationships,” she adds. Medical and mental illness, loss, romantic rejection, workplace mistreatment or lack of career opportunities, and even financial stress can be other sources of abandonment issues, Narasimhan adds. In each instance, the affected person may come to feel angry or unsafe in future situations that might otherwise be healthy and stable. “If, as a child, you felt safe and your caregiver was attuned to your physical, mental, and emotional needs, this lends itself to a secure attachment style. As an adult, you will continue to have a sense of safety and autonomy in your relationship,” Dunkers explains. But without that emotional attunement and safety early in life, a person could develop one of three insecure attachment styles—anxious, avoidant, or disorganized—all of which have abandonment and trust issues at the root. If your caregiver was habitually inattentive and unavailable, Dunkers says this could lend itself to an avoidant attachment style. As a result, you may have learned to meet your own needs and self-soothe. In an adult relationship, this may look like detachment, limited communication, and emotional unavailability. “If caregiver nurturing was not consistent, meaning one day they were attentive and the next they were unavailable and aloof, this could result in an anxious attachment style,” she continues. “A child with this type of caregiver may be uneasy, as they can never be certain from one day to the next how their caregiver will respond to their needs. As an adult, this may resemble a partner who has difficulty trusting, who is hypervigilant and possibly clingy.” Lastly, a person may develop a disorganized attachment style in response to experiences of childhood trauma or abuse from a caregiver at a young age. Unfortunately, having an insecure attachment style, in particular, can be harmful enough to trigger the abandonment and rejection that a person most fears. When these reactions and fears no longer serve a person with abandonment issues, it is usually because someone who is trying to establish a healthy relationship recognizes and dislikes being on the receiving end. This could mean that a romantic partner rejects the overbearing behaviors of a partner with abandonment issues, that a child demands that their parent with abandonment issues stops invading their privacy, or that a stellar subordinate employee pushes back against a micromanager with an unflappable fear of losing their job and financial stability. The wake-up call is often an emotional rupture, which can potentially soil the chances of being able to connect deeply with someone who truly matters. By the time it is clear that these thoughts and beliefs are no longer serving their intended purpose, acknowledging and repairing harm done is often vital to ensuring that abandonment issues don’t become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Conversely, some people with abandonment issues may avoid attachments altogether, so as to minimize the disappointment that could come if those relationships ultimately ended poorly or prematurely. This response aligns with an avoidant attachment style, a pattern of behaviors that reflect a difficulty forming or maintaining close bonds with others. Whereas those with an anxious attachment style might require external validation, those with an avoidant style might appear to be highly independent and self-motivated. Some might be described as “too busy for relationships,” friendly but flighty, and/or emotionally unavailable. They may suddenly withdraw from relationships that require vulnerability. Because they fear rejection so deeply, they may display counterintuitive behaviors to suppress positive emotions toward others (whom they can’t control) and instead divert their focus to their own needs and creature comforts (things that they feel are firmly within their control). Outside of romantic relationships, a person battling abandonment issues may struggle to admit the need for a solid support system. They may have trouble receiving help or affection, or they may be too heavily reliant upon others for positive feelings of self-worth. “Once you have an awareness, this will arm you with the agency to consciously engage with others in a healthier way. Moreover, even if you have behavioral characteristics consistent with anxious or avoidant attachment styles, it is possible to do the work to move yourself to a secure attachment style,” she says. She and Narasimhan agree that learning to voice emotional needs in a healthy way and engage in activities that increase autonomy will improve romantic relationships and contribute to a more secure attachment style. “Practice effective communication by discussing your feelings and what you hope the relationship to be like,” advises Narasimhan. It can be useful to discuss certain topics that previously felt off-limits when getting to know someone, like wanting to know early on if you have common goals about the future. If the other person won’t engage in respectful communication, it is time to reevaluate the relationship. But if abandonment issues persist and communication remains elusive, Dunkers and Narasimhan say it is time to call in the professional therapists and counselors who can help individuals, couples, and families unpack the past and establish healthy habits for the future. It is important to remember that abandonment issues may affect one part of a person’s life more than others—say, more in an amorous relationship than in platonic friendships—and that, over time, a person can oscillate between secure and insecure attachment styles. Although fears and pain often feel existential, therapists can help a person rationalize and accept past trauma in healthy ways. It is possible to learn new ways to live with those feelings without projecting them onto the people we love most. Originally from New Jersey, she has lived in Spain, India, Mozambique, Angola, and South Africa. She speaks four languages (reads in three), but primarily publishes in English. Her writing placements range from popular trade magazines like Better Home & Gardens, Real Simple, and Whetstone to academic journals like Harvard’s Transition Magazine, the Centre for Feminist Foreign Policy, and the Oxford Monitor.
