We often talk about orgasms with the assumption that they’re always pleasurable and always wanted, but that’s far from the reality. “Physical stimulation alone is sometimes enough to elicit a physiological orgasm response, even in situations when negative affect is high and psychological and physical arousal and desire are absent,” the researchers write in the paper. These experiences may be related to arousal nonconcordance, in which the mind and body are out of sync: The body is aroused when the mind isn’t, or vice versa. Past studies have shown people can experience orgasm in all sorts of nonsexual situations, from exercise to breastfeeding to brushing your teeth. Some sexual assault survivors have even experienced orgasms during their trauma, clearly demonstrating how some orgasms can be completely unwanted. Some people in the present study described their bad orgasms as a “solely physical response with no pleasure at all.” Others actually described their orgasms as painful. While pain during orgasms can be a sign of sexual dysfunction, many described their pain as specific to the circumstance: Their bodies weren’t aroused enough or ready for the intense sensation. “Having an orgasm upon feeling pressured may be positive for some people because it relieves the pressure, but it could also make the entire experience feel stressful, frustrating, or negative in other ways, potentially constituting a bad orgasm experience,” the researchers explain. Some participants specifically mentioned feeling upset about their orgasm because it made their partner believe everything was OK and made it seem like the sexual experience was positive and wanted. This made participants feel ignored, and it affected not only their relationship to their partners but affected their feelings about sex (and, in some instances, their physical arousal and libido). Some people described their orgasms in these situations as making them feel “sad and detached” or “betrayed” by their body, as their orgasm seemed to invalidate just how bad they felt about the experience. “Assuming that orgasms can only occur when sex is wanted or enjoyed may have detrimental effects on the psychological health of those who have orgasm during [negative sexual experiences],” the researchers write. “For example, having an orgasm may lead individuals to question or doubt their own perceptions of a negative and/or problematic sexual encounter. Again, our findings support the message that orgasm does not necessarily equate to enjoyment; and, continuing to assume that it does risks dismissing people’s lived experiences.” We need to make space for the wide array of sexual experiences people have. When we’re attuned to these nuances, we create a culture where people don’t make assumptions about each other’s sexual needs or their own, where checking in with each other is the expectation and the norm, and where people are equipped to understand and communicate what we enjoy and don’t enjoy without shame, guilt, or confusion. With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
