After you’ve left a gaslighting relationship, you may be feeling a variety of emotions—anger, relief, sadness, and even despair. All these feelings are normal after any breakup but especially so after a breakup with a gaslighter. Not only are you grappling with the loss of someone you perhaps cared a lot about, but you’re also processing the pain of being hurt by that person: You entrusted your heart to someone who wasn’t who you thought they were, and they made a concerted effort to trick you, to undermine your self-confidence, and to make you question your reality. That’s a unique type of hurt. It’s OK to not feel good right now. You may even feel like you don’t know who you are anymore. Gaslighters work hard at dismantling who you are—your needs and your wants—because they want you to focus solely on them. Recovering that sense of self is no easy task, so don’t feel bad if you initially feel devastatingly lost. Just remember: You can and will heal. You can also journal about how the gaslighter hurt you and what feelings you are going through post-breakup. Writing feelings down helps get them out of our head and helps us not overanalyze. You may be used to analyzing every move you made because it was impossible to tell what was setting the gaslighter off—and you were getting blamed for their behavior. By writing down what happened, you can start letting it go. Additionally, take time to write down what you gained by going through this experience. You learned that you have a fountain of strength within you. You may be even more empathetic than before; maybe you can now educate others about gaslighting. Get in touch with how you have grown from this dark period in your life, as unpleasant as it was. Some items in my clients’ psychological first-aid kits include going for a walk, calling a trusted friend, painting, reading, watching a movie, and doing some deep breathing. Meditation has also helped many survivors of gaslighting find themselves again. Most importantly, it’s time to forgive yourself. Remember that you are enough and always have been enough. You didn’t do anything to “make” the gaslighter behave a certain way. You did the best you could, considering the circumstances. Gaslighters turn up the manipulative behavior slowly—so it can be very difficult to catch what they are doing. You have grown and learned from this experience, and you’ll only be stronger going forward.
