“For most couples who incorporate elements of cuckolding, it looks a bit more like swinging or polyamory, where the primary focus is all on the wife’s sexual engagements,” David Ley, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and author of Insatiable Wives: Women Who Stray and the Men Who Love Them, tells mbg. “While many cuckolding fantasies involve fairly extreme elements of infidelity, sexual behaviors, humiliation, and submission, these appear to mostly be fantasy in most couples.” In many cuckolding cases, the cuck desires to actually watch the sex take place between their partner and the outsider (often referred to as the “bull”), but sometimes the cuck may just want to hear the details afterward—or even help their partner pick out their outfit beforehand. The word cuckold rose in medieval times to describe men with unfaithful wives, specifically in reference to men raising kids that were clearly not biologically his own. Today, in some forms of cuckold fantasy, some men will even fantasize about his partner being impregnated by one of her lovers. In some extreme BDSM cuckolding porn, you can see the cuckold locked in a box while a woman and the bull engage in intercourse on top of the box. You can also find videos of the cuck cleaning up after the sexual acts or other degrading acts involved in helping the bull and the female partner enjoy themselves. Data from porn sites also show cuckolding as a popular fantasy. Research conducted by neuroscientists Ogi Ogas and Sai Gaddam in 2011 found that “cuckold” is the second most searched heterosexual porn category on the internet. A 2016 report from Pornhub found 1.75 million people searched for some variation of “cuckold” every month; it’s one of the site’s top 100 search terms. Stella suggests saying something along the lines of, “I’d love to talk about some fantasies together, are you up for that?” to initiate the conversation about cuckolding. She also suggests explaining what about cuckolding is intriguing to you (if you’re not quite sure—refer to the above list and see if any of those stick out to you) to ensure that your partner doesn’t make any assumptions about why you may be into cuckolding. (Here’s our full guide to bringing up open relationships to your partner.) There are many apps available for finding kinky friends and lovers—such as Feeld and #open—plus more old-school sites like FetLife. You can also use a “regular” dating app like Tinder, and simply explain in your profile exactly what you’re looking for. If you prefer to meet people in real life first, I recommend checking out the local kink scene in your area and attending some workshops, events, or even play parties or sex parties to see if there is anyone that strikes you and your partner’s fancy. Some ways to try dipping your toes into the water could be watching your partner flirt with a stranger at a bar, watching porn together, having your partner webcam or have FaceTime sex with someone else while you watch, or even something as simple as talking to your partner about who they find attractive. Another simple gateway to non-monogamy is a threesome—however, this is also a big step that you’ll want to adequately prepare for. “The bottom line is always communication—with all parties involved—to make sure everyone is fully aware of needs and boundaries,” Harris says. “And it’s always OK to take a break or change your mind at any time.” With certain kinky exceptions, most humans would like to be treated as humans—not like an accessory to your and your partner’s sex lives. Make sure to extend the same communication and respect to your new third partner that you do to your primary partner.
