The best way to think of a dom-sub relationship is as “a consensual, eroticized exchange of power,” a definition that was introduced by Cynthia Slater, an early leader in the SF Bay Area BDSM community, according to sexologist Carol Queen, Ph.D. Dom and sub relationships are represented by the “DS” in the acronym BDSM, which stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism. The power differential between the dom and sub is sometimes memorialized with capital and small-case letters: You will often see the acronym written D/s, Queen notes. “BDSM can be complicated. But all those terms imply two things in particular: a person who acts on another and/or does things to them, and power exchange,” Queen says. So, a dom acts upon or does things to a sub. This is consensual and negotiated, such that the acts performed are within the sub’s boundaries of what they would like to experience and within the boundaries of what the dom wishes to do. The notion of power exchange implies relative equality between the two (or more) partners, not a permanent state of inequality since you cannot exchange power if you don’t have some to start with. “Dom-sub play can involve much more than genital sex (and need not include that kind of sex at all). It can involve service, exhibitionism, the other elements of the BDSM acronym (bondage, discipline aka spanking or impact play, sadism and masochism aka eroticizing intense sensation),” Queen explains. “It can involve pretty much anything, as long as the participants want to do it and it can be contextualized in a dom-sub framework.” “As a dominant, you enjoy the role of being assertive and direct how the scene plays out. You can look at a D/s relationship like an exchange, between power dynamics,” says sex and relationship coach Azaria Menezes. “As a dominant, your role is to lead, guide, protect, enforce, decide, etc. But most importantly, your role is to hold the space of trust and exercise control with responsibility.” Dom can also be spelled as “domme” if the dominant presents or identifies as femme. “Surrender requires trust and comes with vulnerability,” she explains. “Trusting the dominant and setting clear agreements around the scene (consent, boundaries, limits, safe words, etc.) are incredibly important.” Although the dominant partner has the perceived power in the relationship, Menezes notes that the submissive can choose to end the scene or relationship at any point or use their safe word to tap out. “The dynamic of control is only in the dominant’s hands until the context of the scene or relationship ends and/or if either one chooses to end the scene,” she adds. Queen also notes that doms are often referred to as tops, while subs are referred to as bottoms. However, it’s a common myth that people are all either tops/doms or bottoms/subs; many people like to play both roles, and those people may be called switches. Here are a few ways people may engage in dom-sub relationships: “This kind of play could be done with a stranger—but since a substantial amount of trust needs to be involved, not to mention skill, it can be wise and pleasurable to establish a regular partner for this kind of play.” “Age play for the submissive may begin as a baby in diapers with a pacifier, a young child or adolescent. Activities can range from nurturing (bath time, hair brushing) to spanking and punishment. Submissives express an appreciation for being able to get out of their heads and relaxing into somebody else taking care of them,” Hall explains. You’ll also need a safe word, even if you aren’t doing the kind of BDSM that requires special gear. Make sure your safe word is a word or phrase that would never come up in ordinary play, so it is immediately clear if either of you is asking the other to stop, Queen adds.
