Here’s what this type of relationship is all about and how people navigate it. “When explaining ethical or consensual non-monogamy to my clients, my go-to is the three C’s: communication, consideration, and of course, consent,” psychotherapist Cheyenne Taylor, LMSW, explains to mbg. “Ethical non-monogamy is based on the concept of using socially acceptable guidelines and ethically motivated tools to cultivate a relationship built on the foundation of non-monogamy. At its core, though, ENM means not cheating or acting without the consent of your partner.” Ethical non-monogamy has risen in popularity dramatically in recent years. One 2017 study1 found 1 in 5 people has been in some form of ethically non-monogamous relationship before. Partners can decide if they want their relationship to be committed, casual, long term, short term, romantic, sexual, or any combination of these things. They mutually agree on what types of connections they’ll pursue and not pursue, both with each other and with other people, and they can set any parameters or expectations they’d like to make all parties feel comfortable. “Every relationship has its own agreements, and that’s really up to each relationship to figure out,” Wright says. For example, “Some have specific things around STIs because of preexisting conditions, while others may have agreements around emotional involvements and where/how you interact with your non-live-in partner.” “Being clear about your boundaries, limits, and expectations is crucial when working to facilitate a healthy and sustainable relationship,” she explains. “I typically recommend using frequent and sometimes scheduled check-ins as a way to put aside time to discuss feelings about the relationship, any hang-ups or issues that need adjusting, and how each person is feeling on an authentic and honest level.” People in ethically non-monogamous relationships must become comfortable with talking openly about their feelings, needs, and desires, as well as being attentive to other people’s. Active listening and empathy are necessary, Taylor says. “Taking the time to reflect on and communicate your biases, insecurities, and fears around ENM before you transition into this kind of dynamic is critical.” “Making decisions that might have a direct or inadvertent impact on your partner/partners without consulting with them or gaining their consent first is not encouraged,” Taylor adds. “Hierarchical dynamics consist of partners who (for a number of reasons) prioritize time, commitment, space, etc., with certain partners over others,” Taylor explains. “For example, someone may prioritize their spouse over their lover, and in this case, the spouse would be a primary partner and the lover would be a secondary partner.” For example, a person might have many casual partners, none of whom you consider a “committed” life partner. Or, a person might have two partners who they’re equally committed to. Some people might have a group of people where everyone is dating one another—for example, a triad is a relationship with three people who are all romantically involved with one another, or a quad is a group of four people who are all romantically involved with one another. She says it’s common for people to experience all sorts of positive and negative emotions in an ethically non-monogamous relationship, including “jealousy, insecurity, fear, worry, doubt, excitement, increased libido, deepened connection with ‘original’ partner, autonomy, freedom, conscious boundaries, conscious communication, abundant gratitude, and compersion!” Over time, people in ethically non-monogamous relationships may experience jealousy less often or less intensely, or they may simply have better ways of coping with it when it crops up. “One of the best practices you can have is having a practice of self-reflection and unlearning,” Wright says. “We are deeply programmed for monogamy and even when we choose to practice otherwise, the impulses and feelings we get don’t follow suit so quickly. There is a big transition process into the mindset of ENM.” “I experience polyamory the way I experience my bisexuality and queerness—as an orientation,” she tells mbg. “Both as a mental health professional and as a person in the polyam community, I think there is a mix of people, some finding it more of a lifestyle choice and some find that, like me, it would be more of a choice not to.” Polyamory refers to having multiple romantic partners at once, which not all ethically non-monogamous people do. For example, a couple might occasionally have sex with other couples (aka swinging), but they don’t actually date people other than each other. That’s a form of ethical non-monogamy, but it’s not necessarily polyamory. Ethical non-monogamy is not cheating, because in an ENM relationship, all partners have agreed to a relationship wherein everyone is free to be intimate with other people. Intimacy with others is part of the agreement, and therefore it is not cheating because everyone is in the know and consents to what’s happening. Cheating, on the other hand, is non-consensual and unethical non-monogamy, because it involves going behind your partner’s back and engaging in intimate relations with other people without your partner’s consent. Importantly, cheating can also happen in ENM relationships: For example, two partners might agree that they’re allowed to have sex with other people, but they won’t develop romantic or emotional relationships with others. If one partner secretly has a second serious girlfriend, that would be cheating—because it’s breaking the agreement they made to not engage romantically with others. ENM is grounded in consent and mutual trust; cheating ignores those things completely. If you’re interested in trying ethical non-monogamy for the first time, here’s how to know if an open relationship is right for you and how to ask for an open relationship. With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
