The main thing with any family issue is that it creates stress and tension within the family, which in turn negatively affects the members of that family, particularly if there are young children involved. This can go a big step further when you’re dealing with someone who displays narcissistic tendencies or other toxic traits, Spinelli adds, which introduces a bunch of other issues into the family unit, such as gaslighting or explosive fighting. Things like conditional love, or a deep sense of pressure to meet the expectations of your family, indicate some family issues, Spinelli adds. It could even lead to what’s known as golden child syndrome. “It can cause a lot of tension when parents aren’t on the same page with parenting,” Nuñez tells mbg. And if you’re dealing with extended family, Spinelli adds, having the input of in-laws when it comes to your parenting can also cause some problems. As Nuñez explains, “If a parent feels like they’re hiding mental illness or any type of substance abuse from a child, kids pick up on that. They pick up on those nonverbal cues of inconsistency, and children do need consistency to have a strong family foundation and feel secure.” “If something has happened in the previous generation, and that family member never dealt with it, that fight-or-flight and what they went through seeps into the other family members,” Spinelli says. Our childhood experiences play out in adulthood through attachment wounds, as we bring those dysfunctional patterns into our adult relationships, she adds. “Let’s say a parent leaves at a developmental age where a child needs a parent, for example. That brings up abandonment issues,” she notes. Overall, a significant number of unaddressed family issues can make people feel that they don’t have true safety in their lives, Spinelli says. “It’s going to lead into attachment issues. Maybe they’ve dealt with abuse, neglect, abandonment, which has created an insecure attachment. They may also become an avoidant because they’ve never been modeled unconditional love by their primary caregiver,” she explains. Whatever the issue, Nuñez and Spinelli both note recognizing it is the first step. From there, you can begin processing how you want to bring it up to your family members, which brings us to our next point. “Give yourself permission to say ‘Hey, I feel angry or resentful, and I need to talk about this,’” Spinelli says. And as Nuñez notes, you can soften the blow using language that’s not directed at them, opting for “I” statements, rather than “you” statements (i.e., “I feel sad when you miss dinner,” instead of “You always miss dinner; you’re so inconsiderate.”) Nuñez also adds that it’s a good idea to pick a low-stress time when you can give each other your undivided attention and energy. (So, probably not around the holidays.) “And even if a family doesn’t go to therapy, it’s important for every person to feel like they have a voice in their family, and to speak up, and to really voice what they need within that unit,” Nuñez says. Whether you opt out of going to every family gathering, keep your distance from family members who make you uncomfortable or angry, or simply tell a family member when their behavior is unacceptable to you, Spinelli says you’re completely in your right to do so. But no matter how many problems your family seems to be facing, all it takes is one of you to identify the problems at hand, work through them, and break the chain for future generations.
