It comes in many different forms, but the experience of being ghosted is universal. And most of us would probably agree: ghosting sucks. “Ghosting exists on a spectrum and can happen at literally any part of dating, from disappearing from a chat on a dating app and unmatching, to leaving your text messages on ‘Read’ after a date, to cutting off all communication with you after years of dating,” explains sex and dating coach Myisha Battle, M.S. “All of this is ghosting behavior.” Many relationship experts discourage ghosting because of the way it affects the person being ghosted. “It leaves the other person to guess at what they did or didn’t do to cause you to ditch them. That guessing is the specter that looms in people’s lives after a disappearance,” Battle tells mbg. According to clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D., that lack of closure can trigger feelings of uncertainty, confusion, anxiety, and even reduced self-esteem in the person being ghosted. “In general, ghosting is disrespectful and tends to perpetuate patterns of dismissiveness and avoidance,” she says. While the behavior itself isn’t new, the term “ghosting” itself rose to popularity in the early 2010s. In 2015, after online tabloids ran headlines about how Charlize Theron “ghosted” Sean Penn, the New York Times even wrote an explainer on the term, calling it “the ultimate silent treatment.” Merriam-Webster added it to the dictionary in 2017. It makes sense that ghosting would get a lot of people talking around this time: With technology rapidly transforming the speed and ease with which people could communicate with one another, ghosting behavior likely felt even more pronounced than ever. While mailing a letter just to reject someone may have been legitimately too much time and effort back in the day, the fact that people were still disappearing on each other without a trace even now that a kinder closure was literally just a few quick button taps away…harsh! Dating apps were also just beginning to enter into the cultural mainstream, with Tinder launching in 2012. (Though to be fair, what’s often thought of as the world’s first online dating site, Match.com, launched in 1995, and we can only imagine people ghosted one another as much then as they do on today’s best dating apps.) In a world where it can feel like you have nearly endless potential people to chat with, it’s become easier than ever to start talking to someone regardless of whether you’re actually interested in continuing the conversation with them over time. People start to feel like just pictures on your screen rather than real-life humans whose feelings you have to care about. And more starts with less follow-through (and less care) unfortunately means more ghosting. “Ghosting arises due to a lack of concern and empathy for others,” Manly explains, and she notes that this is true in most ghosting situations. It’s selfish, passive-aggressive behavior that is grounded, as Manly notes, in dismissiveness and avoidance. “Sometimes when people ghost us, it’s because they are focused on other things or may be isolating themselves because they are feeling depressed,” marriage and family therapist Patrice N. Douglas, LMFT, previously told mbg. “Everything isn’t always about us, so we can’t panic right away.” They may honestly just be too busy at the moment and distracted by other life happenings, Manly notes, such as work stress, mental health issues, or other challenges. And sometimes a person may forget to respond to a text initially or plan to respond to it later when they have time or energy, but then enough time passes that they feel like there’s no point in saying anything anymore. But even though people may find it uncomfortable to reject someone, they may be making it worse by opting to ghost: “It also doesn’t feel great to be the ghoster!” Battle points out. “Most people experience some amount of guilt for ghosting.” She adds, “I have coached people on how to communicate more directly rather than ghost. Most of the time it feels harder initially, but much better afterward compared to ghosting. I’ve even had cases where the other person has thanked my client for not ghosting them!” As far as how long to wait before moving on and assuming the ghost is officially gone, it depends. “If it is someone you recently met, it can be two weeks before it’s time to move on. If it’s a longer relationship, it ranges up to a month,” says Douglas. “It truly depends on the circumstances around what was occurring before the ghosting occurred. Sometimes people just need space, and it’s up to your comfort level of the time frame you want to allow for space.” Even if a person does come back after ghosting, it’s important to get clarity as to why they disappeared and why they’re suddenly coming back before you decide whether to let them back into your life. They may have just honestly been busy at the time of their disappearance and earnestly want to give it another go dating you, or they could just be bored and lonely and using you to fill the time—with all intentions of ghosting you again later. “If you ghosted because of a personal reason that you just didn’t know how to address with the other person, you can try to open the conversation again and let them know what happened,” says Battle. “Starting from a place of honesty and vulnerability could help reanimate a previously ghosted connection.” However, there’s also a chance that you reach out to the person who ghosted you, and they continue to be unresponsive. If nothing else, that will tell you all you need to know about how that person really feels about you. If you’re not interested in this person anymore, just leave it be and move on. You really don’t need to say anything to them, and the sooner you can get them out of your head, the better. If this is a person you are still interested in dating or having in your life, just reach out again one more time and ask what’s going on. Be direct. Here are some things you can say: And remember: While rejection stings, ghosting is almost always much more about the ghost’s issues than it is about issues with the person being ghosted. In fact, getting ghosted says essentially nothing about you. “Having someone ghost you says infinitely more about them than it does about you,” spiritual teacher Monica Berg writes at mbg. “You’re getting a firsthand look at how this person, who just days ago was so marvelous, actually handles their emotions, your emotions, and difficult circumstances in general. ‘Runs away at any sign of conflict’ typically doesn’t make anyone’s list of dream qualities in a partner, and you got to see that clearly and upfront.” And if you’re the one doing the ghosting? Unless there are safety concerns at play, please know there are much better ways to reject people. Be brave, be kind, and be upfront. Don’t ghost. With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
