I once casually dated a guy for just five weeks before our communications tapered off, and now nearly four years later, I still have dreams about him and often catch myself wondering where he is and how he’s doing. When he comes up in conversations with others, I can hear the anger and hurt in my own voice, and if I saw him again, I’m sure I’d still get a rush of nerves and butterflies. Many people out there surely have similar stories about frustratingly persistent lingering feelings for a past flame. So how long should it take to get over someone? It’s actually a pretty tough question to answer—perhaps even impossible. Meanwhile, scientists have conducted actual research trying to nail down the timeline for moving on: A 2007 study1 found 71% of people who’d gone through a recent breakup felt better after about three months, while a survey of some 2,000 people in 2017 put the number at six months. For divorces, a 2009 study found people take roughly 18 months on average to move on. Clearly there’s not much consistency here. The truth is, as nice as it feels to have a formula telling you the end is in sight, many people (myself included) just take a much longer time to get over past love, while many others take far less. “This is a bit like the ‘how long is a piece of string’ question,” says Hilda Burke, a psychotherapist, couples counselor, and author of The Phone Addiction Workbook, in an interview with mbg. “There is no standard, no template for how long it takes to get over a breakup.” Heidi McBain, a licensed family and marriage therapist, tells mbg the timeline totally depends on the individual person and the work they’re doing to come to terms with the breakup. “Some people get over breakups much faster than others,” she says. “It’s so dependent on the person themselves.” “As the poet Robert Frost wrote, ’the best way out is always through,’” Burke says. “The only way to ‘get over’ a breakup like any other suffering we experience in life is to fully go through it, and that means letting ourselves feel and express the pain, to allow ourselves to grieve for what we’ve lost. … It may be a cliché, but time does help heal most wounds. The first step in healing from a broken heart is to engage with the pain, recognize it, and acknowledge what we’ve lost. Only by doing that can we hope to truly and honestly move on.” (That is different, however, from overthinking your breakup.) You’re heading in the right direction, McBain says, once you’ve “gained more insight into what happened, when you’re not so emotional about the breakup, when you can acknowledge your part in what happened, when you can start to consider dating again, [and] when you’ve grieved the loss of this relationship.” “For each person, it’ll be different,” Burke adds. “I had one client who told me the turning point was his ex not being the first thing that popped into his head when he woke up. Another client was able to play a certain album again (one that she had listened to a lot with her ex) and be able to enjoy it. It’s a felt sense rather than any external marker.” RELATED STORY: Rebound Relationships: 14 Signs & Things To Know Instead, try to notice the small steps you’re taking each day, and practice a ton of post-breakup self-care. You’ll get through this—at your own pace, whatever it may be. RELATED STORY: 14 Tips To Help A Friend Through A Breakup, From Therapists With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
