On average, women and men in relationships report that “foreplay” lasts 11 and 13 minutes respectively, according to a 2004 study2 of heterosexual couples. Men tended to report that foreplay lasted longer than women did. Both men and women reported that sex lasted an average of seven minutes. “If you’re thinking people are generally having sex for hours, think again,” sexologist Shamyra Howard, LCSW, tells mbg. The exception to that rule might be women who have sex with women: A 2014 study3 found the median time spent on sex was 30 to 45 minutes among women in same-gender relationships, compared to 15 to 30 minutes for mixed-gender relationships and relationships between men. About 20% of women in same-gender relationships said their sexual sessions last an hour or more. But the numbers vary from survey to survey: In a 2010 survey4 of 300 heterosexual married couples, married women on average wanted vaginal sex to last 16 minutes. An informal 2019 Twitter poll conducted by GQ on 2,380 people on the receiving end of penetrative sex found 61% wanted the penetration to last about five to 10 minutes, compared to 26% who said they wanted it to last longer than 11 minutes. Clearly there’s a lot of variation in what’s considered ideal. There’s not even really consensus around whether longer sex is better or worse. Another GQ poll of 819 people asking, “Do you ever get bored during penetrative sex or want it to just be over already?” found 82% said yes. But in that earlier 2010 survey, 43% of married women wanted vaginal sex to last longer than it was currently lasting, 39% felt good about the current duration, and just 18% wanted it to be shorter. Men and women in relationships both say they want about 18 to 19 minutes of sexual activities other than intercourse, according to the 2004 study of heterosexual couples. On the other hand, about 26% of premenopausal women experience female orgasmic disorder, and between 1 and 5% of sexually active men experience delayed ejaculation—two conditions that refer to difficulty reaching orgasm despite having plenty of stimulation (also known as anorgasmia), which may make sex tend to last for a longer amount of time. Here’s our full guide to edging, including 10 edging techniques, from the squeeze technique to ballooning to tantric touch. “Thanks to pop culture and some other factors, many people equate how long sex lasts to how good sex is, which isn’t necessarily true,” she notes. “This is especially stressful for penis owners who are taught that they have to not only have a big penis, but they have to last for hours. Yikes! So much pressure.” Instead, Howard recommends just focusing on how much you’re enjoying the sex you’re having rather than trying to make it last longer or happen more quickly. Here are the big questions she recommends considering rather than worrying about duration: With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
