The beauty of friendship is that you get to choose your friends, unlike with family. But anyone who’s ever had a negative experience with someone they thought was a friend can probably attest to the fact that it isn’t always easy to spot true friendship. So we spoke with mental health experts Chaute Thompson, LMHC, and Jinnie Cristerna, LCSW, Rh.D., CHt, about what exactly makes someone a good friend and some tips on how to be a good friend yourself. “Being able to have fun and share special memories are the result of having a trusting relationship that feels safe,” Cristerna adds. “For example, all of my friends and I have an understanding that we support one another in every way (yes, even ridiculous ways!), unless the level of ridiculousness is too much or would create a situation where we feel uncomfortable.” “In a personal story, I was angry with someone, and one of my good friends stopped me midway through my rant and said, ‘Jinnie, you know you’re wrong. I am always with you, but on this one, I can’t ride with ya. Stop and think about the role you played in this.’ That moment stays with me to this day because she loved me enough to tell me to knock it off, and it came from a place of love. I was able to receive it because of that,” Cristerna explains. “That’s what friends do.” “Good friends support us, give us space to be ourselves and make mistakes, and they respect boundaries,” Cristerna adds. For example, you might find yourself in situations where other people aren’t treating your friend well or where you know your friend may be put in a sticky situation. As much as possible, a good friend is willing to stick their neck out on behalf of their friends, whether that means shutting down gossip about them, making sure they get home safe after a night out, or something else. In communicating the need to end the friendship, you want to ensure that you own the decision and be clear about how the relationship does and doesn’t work for you. This is not the time to blame, however—in fact, this is a time to forgive and ask for forgiveness with grace and ease. Ending a friendship is already hard enough. Cristerna recommends trying to be compassionate, so if you cross paths again (and you usually do), you can say hello and catch up in a comfortable and natural way. Here’s more on how to deepen adult friendships and how to create a lasting friendship. Miller, known online as Lia World Traveler, is also a public speaker who regularly presents on panels and at workshops, conferences, and events nationally and internationally. She is also foreign service officer/diplomat and has worked extensively on issues across the Middle East, North Africa, Europe, and Latin America.
