Insert anything you would like to happen. Have you ever made a statement like this? One of the downsides to emotional dependence is that when things don’t happen in our favor, our mood and feelings of self-worth are likely to be negatively affected. Functioning in this way affects our sense of peace because factors outside of us continually ebb and flow. People’s opinions of us are outside of our control. Those who are emotionally independent typically don’t have to look to sources outside of themselves to let them know that they are OK. Of course, it is normal to want to have validation from those we love. But emotional dependence crosses a line when our self-esteem and self-worth depends on how other people are feeling toward us. Emotional independence is the ability to have the balance between paying attention to what is happening outside of you and having some control over your response to those events. With emotional independence, your sense of self remains intact because of your inherent belief in yourself. People who possess emotional independence are able to cultivate a sense of happiness and peace despite what may be happening in their lives and relationships. This is not to say that they are never affected by things that happen outside of them, but they still have a sense of who they are and can fulfill their own needs internally. We cannot heal what we are not aware of. Therefore, mindfulness can help us increase awareness around the patterns of behaviors and thoughts that maintain emotional dependence. When you come across these kinds of thoughts (also known as automatic negative thoughts), practice replacing them with something neutral and adaptive such as “I can handle difficult feelings that come up” or “I am capable of feeling OK with myself despite how someone else may feel about me.” Being able to replace the automatic negative thoughts with alternative, adaptive statements can help you with rewiring your thinking. Here’s what giving yourself compassion might sound like: “It is OK to experience sadness and loneliness. There is nothing wrong with me for feeling uncomfortable with rejection.” When we can sit with the underlying feelings that drive emotional dependence and give those feelings love and compassion, then we can increase our ability to tolerate difficult emotions without having to soothe them away by seeking approval from someone else. In a sense, practicing self-compassion is a form of self-soothing when we are feeling overwhelmed with emotion. Practicing self-validation means that you give yourself permission to feel your feelings and are accepting of your thoughts and emotions. Here’s what that might sound like: “My feelings make sense. It is OK to feel what I am feeling. I am allowed to set boundaries.” Self-validation is helpful in giving space to your feelings. If you struggle with self-validation, the next time you are seeking validation from someone else, ask yourself, “What is it that I would like to hear from this person?” Then practice saying those words to yourself. Shifting from emotional dependence to emotional independence can be difficult, especially if we came from a childhood that was invalidating. The good news is that learning how to become emotionally independent is a possible feat that comes with patience and practice. She regularly shares insights and wisdom on her popular Instagram platform @alyssamariewellness, where she has over 66,000 followers.
