None of these questions has a simple answer. The way we feel when we fall in love doesn’t necessarily mean that we are with the right person. This is why we call it “falling” in love. It doesn’t mean that we are compatible — only that we are human and have body chemistry. Moreover, when we’re under love’s spell, most of us are willing to do anything, say anything, and be anything. Anyone who has watched The Bachelor can say the “right” things; it’s how a person lives that holds the key to really knowing who they are. Here are five clues that will help you find out whether or not someone has the qualities to go the distance: I look for two red flags when I’m talking with a client about their family history. One is when they indicate that everything is or was terrible; the other is when they say that everything is or was perfect. A good sign of balance is, for example, the following description of a family member: “Well, my dad’s an interesting guy. He’s so loving and generous. He had a hard struggle with depression. He’s a glass-half-empty sort of guy, yet he tries hard to be more upbeat. The problem is he’s very reluctant to seek help and kind of stuck in his ways. But, growing up, I remember how, most of all, he always loved and supported me. Although he didn’t often show up for my activities, I always knew that it wasn’t because he didn’t care.” This is balanced; he tells it like it is. Additionally, see if they’ve been able to take some responsibility for their failed relationships. Do they speak of past lovers in derogatory terms, such as “She was crazy” or “He was a total narcissist”? Occasionally it might be true, but most of us look pretty unappealing to the other at the end of a relationship, and it’s not usually the whole truth. Ask whether your potential partner tries to be fair-minded. Paradoxically, the key to intimacy is the ability to be separate. Until you know yourself and feel whole and clear in what you want for your life, you’ll never be able to be the best partner you can be. It’s counterintuitive, but we really only get the most intimacy out of a relationship when we have done the most work on ourselves. If only things were so simple. This is clearly not enough. I bet 99% of people have felt that someone was “the one,” only to be shocked and disappointed when, later in the relationship, you find out a whole lot of things that you totally missed. In part two of the “interview,” look at their abilities, their references, their experience, and all the other objective data that points to whether they are a good fit. We have two parts to our brain, both of which are essential to use when choosing a partner. The “feeling” part is an important indicator, but the part where rational and reasonable decisions are made must be an equal partner.
