Penis-in-vagina intercourse isn’t likely to make a woman come. The real secret to how to cum lies in the clitoris. Here’s everything you need to know and a bunch of techniques to try. If you put an inordinate amount of pressure on yourself to come, you won’t be able to access the relaxed frame of mind that is often necessary to send you over the edge. Use this knowledge as a base to build on once you begin to masturbate. Play with your nipples, stroke or pull your hair, touch your inner thighs and your ass. Run your fingers over your neck and shoulders. Basically, imagine the kinds of touch that a lover would do for you and recreate them yourself. You could even use nipple clamps or a butt plug to ramp up the sensations. AASECT-certified sex therapist Madeline Cooper, LCSW, says, “I tell my clients to think of what arouses them using their five senses—do you feel aroused watching or reading erotica? Do you like fantasies? Are there certain smells that are erotic, like candles or oils? Do you like listening to moaning or other kinds of noises?” They provide a deep and intense rumbling sensation, which can be overwhelming at first. A top tip is to try it over your underwear first and then build up to using it against your body. Many people also swear by air-pressure sex toys, which use air to stimulate the clitoris and can be a good alternative if direct vibrations are off-putting for you. You could also use a dildo inside of yourself while you touch your clit for a double hit of orgasm-inducing bliss. Don’t be ashamed to reach for it when you’re playing solo. Reducing the amount of irritating friction while you masturbate can make you more comfortable in general and therefore more relaxed and therefore—you guessed it—more likely to reach orgasm. Try one of these 17 all-natural lubes. Watch porn or look at images you find arousing. Hell, you can even write your own erotica! (If you’re stuck, try to recreate a particularly hot previous sexual encounter or fantasy in words.) Don’t try to quickly rub one out before work or going to meet your friends for lunch. You need to give yourself space to not feel stressed or under pressure. “I encourage women to practice mindful masturbation, where they are focused on their breath as well as the physical pleasure they are experiencing during their touching,” says Cooper. By focusing on deep, mindful breaths, you can access a deeper state of relaxation, which can facilitate an easier path to orgasm. In tantric sex practices, breathing is also used as a tool to make your orgasm last longer and even to have multiple orgasms because it can help distribute orgasmic feelings through the body instead of moving toward a big “release” of the energy. Once you’re a pro, you can use these tips on how to make your orgasms even stronger. RELATED: 11 Steps To Make A Woman Orgasm (The Basics & Beyond) Once you know what you like through coming by yourself, bring that information to your partner. It can be helpful to frame things in a positive manner; for example, you can say, “I really enjoy it when you XYZ. Could you spend longer on it next time we have sex?” instead of “You always stop doing XYZ too soon when we have sex.” Stand in front of the mirror and practice telling your partner what you like and how you want it. If you find it intimidating to be demanding and clear about your desires, then repeating it to yourself will help the words flow more easily out of you when it’s time to talk to your partner. Sari Cooper, LCSW, AASECT-certified sex therapist and director of the Center for Love and Sex in NYC, suggests lying down in front of them and demonstrating how you touch yourself so they can get an idea of what gets you aroused. You can explain what you’re doing as you go along. This is not only instructional but can be super hot as well. “Showing a partner what feels good can be super sexy for you and them,” she says. “Take their hand under yours so they can begin to feel the pace, the choreography, and the pressure that feels delicious.” Try having sex in which your partner doesn’t penetrate you at all and focus on oral, clitoral, and nipple stimulation and massage so you’re extremely relaxed. You can also play with where you have sex: If you’re used to always doing it in the bedroom, then try doing it in the living room or in the garden. They won’t know how to really please you, and you won’t…be pleased. It may feel easier in the short term, but by denying your partner the information you need to get off, you’re eroding the trust that is meant to exist between you. Be honest and direct about what you need. Use masturbation as the opportunity to discover what kind of touch, pressure, speed, etc., you require, and then give your partner this know-how. If you have been faking it in the past and need to tell your partner, then it can be useful to have the conversation when you’re not actually in bed, i.e., when you’re just on the couch watching TV or something, so your partner isn’t in a current state of naked vulnerability when they receive the information. View your orgasm not as something your partner can give you but as something you both need to work together to achieve. She suggests that bringing vibrators into partnered sex can be a great way to make sure you’re getting off. Involve your partner in picking out a toy that feels good for both of you. For instance, a vibrating cock ring can be something that gives pleasure for both parties as the vibrations will hit your clitoris when they penetrate you. An orgasm is something you are worthy of, not something to feel ashamed of or guilty for pursuing. Advocating for yourself and your needs and desires is a source of power. RELATED: 24 Types Of Orgasms & How To Try Each One Namely, the key to getting off for most women is the holy grail of clitoral stimulation. According to groundbreaking research done by Shere Hite in 1976, in which she gathered data from over 3,000 American women about their sex lives, only around one-third of women are able to have an orgasm from penetration alone. Studies done since then have returned similar results1. The data is clear: Clitoral stimulation cannot be sidelined2. However, researchers point to something called the “orgasm gap” as evidence that women are not getting their needs met. The orgasm gap refers to the phenomenon whereby men achieve orgasm during sex at much more frequent rates than women. Or to be clear, heterosexual women achieve orgasm much less often than their male counterparts. A 2018 study3 of U.S. adults found that 95% of heterosexual men said that they usually or always reached orgasm during sex, compared to just 65% of heterosexual women. Lesbian women on the other hand said that they orgasmed a solid 86% of the time. Clearly, the problem here is not inherent to women but rather to the men having sex with them and the focus on their pleasure alone. A 2005 study4 found an even starker contrast between the rates of orgasm, with 91% of men reporting an orgasm usually or always compared to a paltry 39% of women. As the orgasm gap between lesbian and heterosexual women demonstrates, there is no physiological reason women should orgasm at deeply and consistently lower rates than men. The secret to achieving orgasm isn’t tied up in biology. Rather it lies in the sociocultural and interpersonal realms. In order to come, most women need to feel relaxed, safe, and free from anxiety or shame—all conditions that can sometimes be a tall order in a patriarchal sexual context that attempts to coerce and control women’s sexuality. Above, we highlighted detailed instructions on how to cum for people with vaginas, whether alone or with a partner. Have fun! RELATED: 9 Health Benefits Of Orgasms
