That acceptance is the letting go. It’s understanding that you’re better off without this person having immediate access to you, if any at all. And from this place of acceptance, you’re able to free up the attention and energy you were giving this person and put it toward things that actually bring you peace and joy. Whether you’ve just experienced a breakup, or you have a feeling you’re about to, finally letting go of that person is never easy. Even when it’s your decision, there’s still an open wound there that will take time to heal, according to licensed marriage and family therapist Tiana Leeds, M.A., LMFT. Sometimes it can be hard to recognize abuse, or you may not feel like things are “that bad.” When in doubt, Leeds says to look out for two things in particular: “If you feel like you’re walking on eggshells when you’re with your partner, it’s time to consider leaving the relationship. And if you don’t feel safe with your partner, both emotionally and physically, it’s time to end the relationship.” “People will tell me things like, ‘He’s not a full-blown narcissist,’ and I will then ask, ‘Does he really need to be a full-blown narcissist before you’re going to walk away? Because if you’re waiting for that, then you’re heading into full destruction,’” she explains. Even on the less extreme end, Neo says, you may experience “selective memory” or “confirmation bias,” seldom recalling the bad times and only focusing on the brief good moments. “And if this is happening and stopping you from having an objective view, then this is actually incredibly dangerous to you,” she adds. And as Neo adds, if you dread their presence, or feel like you need ample time to recharge after you’re around them, they’re definitely draining you and your energy. “Some people choose not to grow or choose to calcify or devolve into something else. And if you seek growth—this is an inevitable thing that happens—we outgrow people, even those that we love, and sometimes other people watching us grow don’t feel happy about that.” Whether this person is trying to sabotage your growth, or you simply don’t feel you’re headed in the same upward trajectory, you have to ask yourself if this person will be conducive to the life you’re seeking long term. And if they’re not, it’s time to walk away. “If you have any safety concerns, make sure you tell your partner in a public setting if you choose to break up face to face or consider letting them know by phone or text. Breakups can stir up big emotions, so if your partner is volatile, prioritize your safety above all else,” Leeds says. You might even have to be discreet in your getaway, Neo adds. You’ll also want to make sure you have any necessary documents (if this will involve legal matters), a strong support system present, and even think about changing your passwords, she says. (Here’s our full guide to leaving an abusive relationship.) This avoids drawing out the breakup or unnecessarily hurting your partner, she explains, and you don’t have to go into excruciating detail about every little thing you don’t like about them, instead sticking to the big picture. “Remember that it’s not your job to get your partner through the pain of the breakup. Trying to help an ex-partner heal from the relationship is next to impossible because every time you’re there for them, it gives a mixed signal and risks rehooking them into the relationship,” Leeds explains. And as Neo adds, they may very well try to reach out on holidays or your birthday, for example, but it’s important you don’t give in. Here are a few ways to learn to love yourself again after a breakup—it’ll be important for being able to truly move on. She notes you can look for joy in doing things without a significant other, like catching up with close friends, meditation, or therapy. “Do what you need to nourish your soul as you process the breakup and start the journey of getting over them,” she adds. If you are in immediate danger, call 9-1-1. For anonymous and confidential help, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233 or TTY 1-800-787-3224) and speak with a trained advocate for free as many times as you need. They’re available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You can also speak to them through a live private chat on their website.
