Take it from me—I recently broke up with a boyfriend of seven years, and while I’m finally in a good place, I’m admittedly still rebuilding and healing. After all, it upended everything I thought I knew at the time: a shared life that seemingly stretched out infinitely in its familiarity, a bustling home together in my favorite city in the world, the person I was and what I thought I wanted. It takes a lot to find meaning in the lessons from the relationship even when it doesn’t last forever. If you’re wondering how to get over someone after a breakup of any length and emotional capacity, welcome. You’re in the right place. The tips below will help guide you into letting go with peace: Yes, that means removing them from social media, getting rid of any physical reminders, and blocking them if necessary. You don’t want to deal with potential mixed signals, get caught up in their journey by comparing your healing to theirs, or find yourself trying to pretend to be over your ex online. Cutting them out of your life can feel harsh because you’re so used to their presence, but the no-contact rule has proved to be the fastest and most effective way to put the attention back on yourself and focus on needed inner work. As dating coach Monica Parikh writes at mbg, “The vast majority of people use love as a drug. They get ‘high’ from an external source—another person’s presence and approval. The withdrawal from that feeling that comes with heartbreak after a relationship ends (and the fear that they may not know how to be happy on their own) can be terrifying. But by using the no-contact rule, you will also regain strength, self-esteem, confidence, and empowerment. You also differentiate ‘wanting’ a partner from ’needing’ one.” Of course, if you’re co-parenting or in the process of uncoupling your life from each other, it may be impossible to completely halt conversations. In such cases, you can still try to minimize the extent of your contact instead. Limit your communication to only what’s necessary to keep things clean and productive. “It is common to replay conversations, interactions, or events with your ex. We may recreate the story with our ex as the hero and ourselves as the villain. Remember that perfect people only live in our imagination, and relationships require two individuals working toward the same goal,” Brown says. Smith Crawford recommends starting a daily meditation practice to help you visualize a beautiful future without your S.O. “It is important to remember that you are a whole and powerful being, and you do not need a relationship to validate that. Oftentimes, we get so caught up in a relationship that we lose sight of the things that make us, the individual, feel good.” In addition to learning to love yourself again, it is especially important that you make extra space for your mental health. Journal your unfiltered thoughts, pick up an old/new hobby, and be sure to scaffold some structure in your days so you have things to look forward to and it’s not an endless abyss of introspection. “Find joy in doing things without a significant other, catching up with close friends, meditation, or therapy. Do what you need to nourish your soul as you process the breakup and start the journey of getting over them,” Smith Crawford says. Smith Crawford concurs about the value and importance of having a trusted crew to rely on and ask for help. “It’s crucial after a breakup. Having the support and love of family and friends will help offset the negative emotions that may arise after a breakup. It’s helpful to have someone to process your thoughts and feelings in a loving and supportive way.” “Your emotions will range from happy to angry. Every emotion you feel is one step closer to healing from the breakup. You must allow yourself to feel in order to heal,” explains Brown. Let yourself feel it all—unmoored, dejected, numb, free, abandoned, rejected, uncertain, obsessed, confused, relieved, devastated, betrayed, angry, desperate, etc. It’s a chemical sign that you’re purging it out of your system. Sit with your discomfort. Right now, you may only be thinking about what went wrong in the breakup and how you could’ve fixed it. But then, you’ll think about what went right and why it had to happen. Soon, your emotions will equalize. Eventually, you’ll land on acceptance and be ready for it. But there is a caveat. “You should take the time to sit, feel, express, and process all the emotions that come up for you. I believe we should take all the time we need to process grief. But expressing your emotions is different from wallowing. You do not want to become consumed with the feelings of the breakup so much that it affects the way you show up in your life. Feel your feelings; do not get consumed by them,” Smith Crawford stresses. “If your processing starts to get in the way of your normal functioning after an extended period of time, I would highly recommend seeking help from a therapist.” (Here’s more on how to stop thinking about someone.) It’s a fine balance to strike: It’s good to be self-aware and acknowledge any failings in the dynamic to do better for yourself and your next relationship. At the same time, doing that too much can put you in a Sisyphean-like self-destructive loop and leave you connected to the relationship and subsequently your ex. The key is giving yourself grace by forgiving your mistakes, Brown says. During this time, offer compassion to yourself and let go of blaming and any resentment to sever that tie. No one is perfect, and you’re allowed to make mistakes in love as long as you can grow from it and course-correct moving forward. “Romantic relationships are mirrors of the relationship you have with yourself,” Brown asserts. “If you find yourself repeating the same relationship mistakes, you may need to heal negative beliefs about yourself. Otherwise, you will continue to find partners that will confirm those unhealthy beliefs about yourself. [For example] if you believe you are not important, then you will find partners that will treat you accordingly. Healthy relationships require healthy individuals.” You may have lost an important part of your life, but through that loss, you are gaining something back: you and the person you want to be after the experience. Post-breakup, you aren’t the same person anymore, and you have been changed irrevocably as an individual. Now it all depends on the positivity you can apply to the situation. Staying with your negative emotions will keep you spinning your wheels in the same place, holding you back from moving forward. “Gratitude changes your attitude,” Brown affirms. “Expressing gratitude shifts your focus and energy by reducing stress. Find something each morning that you are grateful for and write it down.” Exercise releases natural endorphins that can help you physically feel better and drop into your body, so you’re not in your head as much ruminating about your ex-S.O. You may want to blob out in bed and watch sad movies for days on end, but a literal change in your environment can help shift your thoughts and get you out of any rumination spirals. “Go outside—fresh air and sunlight give you a dose of vitamin D, which helps to improve your mood. Spending time outside helps reduce symptoms of anxiousness and depressive feelings,” Brown suggests. Don’t feel embarrassed or beat yourself up for experiencing what you need to go through. Look at your feelings as something value-neutral versus feeling ashamed for what you should be or shouldn’t be feeling. Know it’s a part of the natural back-and-forth that you’ll emote before it transmutes into acceptance.
