“Get clear about your own motives for starting the conversation,” couples’ therapist Alicia Muñoz, LPC, explains to mbg. “Are you motivated by pure curiosity? A desire to get to know someone better? A desire to build a stronger friendship? Do you have a specific goal in mind […] like a job interview?” When you’re clear on your motive, she says, you can be open about it. People will naturally wonder why you’re striking up a conversation, “and being clear about it from the start creates trust,” she says. For example, if you were reaching out to a CEO on LinkedIn, you can explain from the get-go that you hope to work together. Or if you’re on a dating app, simply telling someone you’re interested in getting to know them can go a long way. “Being upfront with people about your motives for starting conversations may feel vulnerable,” Muñoz adds, “but others often experience it as clarifying and refreshing. It fosters a genuine connection.” “People love to talk about themselves, and that ‘I’m curious’ question isn’t a judgment on your part,” Richmond says, “so there’s nothing the other person could get defensive about.” As Muñoz adds, “Allow another person to experience your curiosity and interest in them. Let go of your agenda.” It’s worth noting here that certain topics like politics, religion, and other potentially controversial subjects can lead to tension if you don’t already know where a person stands. If you want to avoid potential disagreements, you may wish to avoid such subjects. On the other hand, taking the risk to dive into these tougher topics may pay off if you find you have more in common than not. You can even practice with friends to improve your listening skills. A good rule of thumb for being a better listener: Don’t worry so much about what you want to say next. Just pay attention to what the person is saying. “People generally open up more when they’re being seen, heard, noticed, and listened to in the little details of who they are and how they express themselves,” Muñoz says. As you listen, “notice their response without jumping automatically back to yourself, your experience, your interpretations of what they said,” she adds. Some questions to ask: Some questions to ask: Some questions to ask: Some questions to ask:
