Brad, in an angry, judgmental tone, exclaims, “I can’t believe the credit card bill we just got! Why are you always buying things we don’t need?” Laurie, caught off guard, responds angrily, “I’m not the one who spends the money around here.” Their conversation then becomes a full-on screaming match, in which they’re each blaming the other, and Laurie walks away more confused than ever, wondering if maybe she, in fact, is the one who’s been spending all the money. By doing this, Laurie walks away to take care of her feelings, being very compassionate to herself in the face of Brad’s angry, blaming projection. By not engaging in defending and blaming back, Laurie takes herself out of the crazy-making dynamic so that it doesn’t escalate. If any of these or similar situations happened to you when you were growing up, then you may be an easy target for the crazy-making of projection. Being able to recognize this is the first step to putting an end to it. The way out of the crazy-making of projection is to learn to trust yourself when someone is blaming you for something and it doesn’t feel right to you. If you are being told that you are a selfish person, but you know that you are, in fact, a kind and giving person, then you need to trust what you know about yourself rather than what the other person is saying about you. And instead of trying to get the person to see you, you need to see yourself and value yourself enough to get out of range of the projection—as in the second example between Brad and Laurie. Learning to see, value, and love yourself goes a long way toward becoming immune to projections. Are you losing interest in new relationships as soon as they start? Here’s what that means.
