People who experience high levels of empathy might label themselves as “highly sensitive,” meaning their energy is affected by the emotional states of those around them. You might have walked into a room after an argument and felt the tension in the room, or you may have watched a movie and found yourself crying when a character experiences a sad event. In those moments, you’re experiencing empathy. Because of our past experiences, many of us do not develop a stable sense of what makes us us. To fit into our earliest relationships, we developed a habit of looking externally to find approval, validation, and our sense of worthiness. Over time, our relationships came to be based on someone giving us something that we do not have internally rather than mutual vulnerability and sharing. Codependency is a learned behavior that begins in childhood, when there’s a lack of boundaries within our family dynamic. We learn as children that in order to receive love, we have to be hypervigilant to the emotional state of others around us. Let’s say we had a critical, perfectionist mother. In order to receive her love, we had to appear a certain way and keep things perfectly clean. Subconsciously, the message is “I am not worthy to receive love unless I am perfect.” Our focus is placed outside of ourselves to get our mother’s approval because as children, love means survival. While love and external approval no longer means survival, for many of us, it still feels that way. This is because our earliest relationships create our attachment styles. If we have not healed from those attachments, we will carry the same behaviors into our adult relationships. Empathy is different from codependency in that we have a solid sense of self. With empathy, we understand that people’s emotional state and behavior is not something to take personally, change, or fix. How people respond to us is not an indication of who we are. Our sense of self is not defined by those around us, which allows us to follow our unique journey even if that means being misunderstood. When another person is having an emotional experience, empathy allows us to hold space. We can be fully present and listen. But with codependency, we lack the ability to regulate our emotions: When someone comes to us needing support, we cannot hold space. Instead, we offer solutions and instantly go into “fixer” mode because we cannot tolerate the emotional discomfort we are experiencing. We may also attempt to say things like “it could be worse” or “at least X didn’t happen.” While we have good intentions, this makes those around us feel not seen or heard. True empathy means having clear boundaries around what we will and will not accept. It allows us to understand why someone does something while also holding people accountable for their behavior. And, maybe most importantly, empathy allows us to understand that everyone has their own version of truth, and it is not our place to enforce that truth on those around us. A former psychotherapist, LePera received her master’s degree and Ph.D. in clinical psychology from The New School and her bachelor’s degree in clinical psychology from Cornell University. She has evolved her more traditional training to develop an approach that acknowledges the connection between the mind and body. She views mental and physical struggles from a whole-person perspective and works to identify the underlying physical and emotional causes. She understands that balance is an integral part of wellness and empowers individuals to heal themselves, supporting them on their wellness journeys. LePera covers topics like boundaries, trauma, ancestral healing, re-parenting, mind-body techniques, and more on her Instagram and YouTube channel.
