It’s a tricky question, so we asked sex therapists to weigh in. “Cheating is, at its simplest, actions that cross the agreed-upon boundaries in a relationship. If both parties agree to not view porn and one person does in secret, then in that circumstance, yes, it could be considered cheating,” explains Shadeen Francis, LMFT, CST, a licensed marriage therapist and board-certified sex therapist. But watching porn isn’t in itself a betrayal, Francis emphasizes. The betrayal happens when one person knowingly crosses a line they’ve agreed not to cross in the relationship. Of course, many couples never explicitly discussed porn before entering into the relationship—and this lack of transparency can also lead to hurt feelings. “Often, this question hasn’t even been discussed, so when the one partner finds out the other is watching porn, they feel betrayed,” explains Holly Richmond, Ph.D., LMFT, a licensed marriage therapist and AASECT-certified sex therapist. Part of the confusion here stems from the assumptions around what it means to be in a monogamous relationship: Some people assume that being sexually exclusive means that porn must be off the table, whereas others see watching porn as more of a personal, solo sexual activity and therefore not related to cheating because it doesn’t involve other people. There isn’t a right or wrong answer here—it’s just about how the individuals in a given relationship see it and what they agree on going forward. “However, if we look at the absolute criteria for cheating—secretive physical or emotional engagement with someone outside of the relationship—it is hard for porn to check this box. Certainly there is no touch and almost never any communication,” Richmond says. “Most people watch for some sort of stress relief or anxiety reduction. It isn’t as much about sex as it is about a biological physical release. It is almost never about connecting with the performers.” “Most folks have been instructed to view porn (and any other form of self-focused pleasure) as a comment on relationship sexual satisfaction or, at worst, a threat to partnered pleasure. This misconception makes the landscape of desire dangerous and is often more harmful to the relationship than the porn viewing itself,” Francis explains. “Arousal isn’t a threat. People still have the ability to decide what they do with their time, attention, and, yes, genitals. Partners cannot control their partner’s behavior; you do not have agency over anyone else’s body. Even if the behavior reflects a value difference, unless they have agreed not to watch porn themselves, you cannot enforce or mandate another person’s relationship to their body. This leads to unhealthy power dynamics, reinforces a relationship culture of surveillance and insecurity, and is deeply shameful for both parties involved.” That means that the answer to disagreements about porn use often aren’t simply to force the person to stop watching porn—it often won’t work, and it can often make matters worse. “Even if the person says they will give it up, most likely they won’t, so this dynamic doesn’t work anyway,” Richmond says. “No one wants to be controlled, and our partner’s mind and bodies are not ours to own. There must be open communication about what porn means to both people and a collaborative agreement going forward, as well as an attempt to perhaps meet in the middle.” In general, research has produced mixed results about the effects of watching porn. Many studies have found porn is associated with lower relationship satisfaction1, while others have found porn more commonly has no effect or even positive effects on couples’ sex lives2. (If you really want to get into the weeds, here’s our deep dive on how porn affects relationships.) One of the most common concerns about porn use in relationships is that the person is watching porn because they’re not satisfied with their sex life with their partner. But according to Francis, that worry is often grounded in their partner’s insecurities about their own desirability. “This topic can open up some really meaningful conversations within relationships,” she says. “Often, more than porn, couples are needing to resolve conflicts around the infrequency of sex, the kinds of sex that are being had (or not), or unmet needs for reassurance about their individual desirability.” Often navigating feelings around porn use will take more than just one conversation, so make sure to give your partner time to process if they need it, to ask questions to understand their feelings about it, and to be proactive in making sure your partner feels secure in the relationship. It’s important to understand why your partner watches porn and what they get out of it, says Richmond. “Is it about anxiety reduction, boredom alleviation, mood improvement, sleep enhancement, novelty, curiosity, exploration, or one of dozens of other reasons? Again, it is almost never because the porn-watching person isn’t happy with their partner or because they have a desire to cheat.” Likewise, your feelings about the issue are valid. Explain what feelings are coming up for you now that you know about your partner’s porn use. Try to convey these feelings without attacking or judging your partner for their porn use. Focus less on convincing each other about who’s right; instead, focus on understanding the feelings and needs each of you is describing. So putting the porn aside for a second, it’s worth having a conversation about the importance of honesty and transparency in your relationship: Why was there such a big secret between the two of you for this long? How can you foster an environment where your partner feels safe sharing intimate truths about themselves with you? And how can they assure you that you can trust them to be honest going forward? These are all questions that can come into focus when porn use comes up, so it’s a great time to check in on how the two of you are feeling and what you can do to make sure you both feel super secure in the relationship. When you’re feeling good about the relationship (and in your sex life), often the question of porn feels less threatening. “The worry about whether the porn watcher is dissatisfied or disinterested in sex is often grounded in their partner’s internalized insecurities about their own desirability,” Francis says. “Working on your own sense of sexual worth and appeal can help lessen the fear associated with knowing that other people are also sexually appealing.” Work on building your sexual self-esteem, connecting with your own sexual energy, and enjoying the benefits of masturbation yourself. “Your partner can support this journey also,” Francis adds. “How does your relationship make room for sexual attention, flirtation, or just compliments?” While you might never see completely eye to eye on porn, there may be ways for you to meet somewhere in the middle. Richmond suggests considering options like watching porn together (mutual masturbation is a thing!) or even creating your own. If you and your partner are struggling to make progress in these conversations, seeing a couples’ therapist, counselor, or coach can be very helpful. A professional can guide you through these tough conversations and help you get creative with solutions. With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
