Most romance portrayed in Hollywood films—in which two people chase each other, fall madly in love, and the movie ends as soon as the relationship begins—looks more like lust than secure and stable love. Here, we compare the two common terms and how to tell which one you may be experiencing. Love is a bit more complex. One of the most popular subjects in literature and the arts, love in all its delights and sufferings has often appeared a mystery, defined in an infinite number of ways throughout human history. From an attachment perspective, love is a basic human need that keeps us bonded to the people who matter most. A secure, loving attachment with a romantic partner involves a deep affection, trust, and acceptance of a person, flaws and all. It is no surprise people have a difficult time discerning between love and lust given that the two phenomena activate similar neural pathways1 in the brain that are involved in view of the self, goal-directed behavior, happiness, reward, and addiction. Love and lust, however, are not identical and can appear in any combination, with or without the other, to varying degrees, and even fluctuate between the two states over time. Regardless of how your love develops, here’s a quick guideline to help you sort out your romantic stage. Biological anthropologist and well-known relationships researcher Helen Fisher, Ph.D., has studied romantic love and outlined three key stages humans move through in romantic love: Stepping into any romantic or sexually charged experience with another person is a vulnerable act. When we step into this unknown place of romantic attraction, we can easily find ourselves in a sea of overwhelming feelings that can drive us to seek a sense of safety and control. Before we ask the question, “Is it love or lust?” it might be more helpful to ask which anxiety is making you ask this question in the first place. Are you wanting a committed relationship and worried it won’t develop in that direction? Are you worried you’re staying in a relationship because of a strong physical connection? Are you having a sexy fling that’s suddenly making you think you might want more? In love and lust, there are no norms, no shoulds, no right way. You can fall in love after a single passionate night and end up married with three kids. You can be friends with someone for years and with a single touch or change of perspective, find yourself head over heels. You can have a year of steamy casual sex with someone and never fall in love. You can love someone you’re not sexually attracted to anymore. You can find yourself feeling dead inside after years with a partner and have passion reawakened by touching your partner in a new way of seeing how desirable they are in the eyes of another. All of the above and everything in between is possible. If you’re asking if it’s love or lust, you might really be asking how much you should invest in a relationship. Instead of trying to define the relationship and place it in a box as love or lust, check in with yourself about how the other person makes you feel. Do you trust them? Do you feel free to be yourself with them? How aligned are your values and dreams for the future? Maybe instead of asking, “Is it love or lust?” ask, “How am I experiencing myself with this person, and what does that tell me about what I’m wanting or needing?” Just remember to take your time and really invest in getting to know the person you’re with—flaws and all. Humphrey earned her doctorate in clinical psychology from Rutgers University and has held clinical positions at Columbia University Medical Center, Veteran Affairs hospitals, and Newark Beth Israel Hospital. Currently, she works in private practice at Therapists of New York, a group practice in midtown Manhattan. She specializes in couples therapy, challenges in self-esteem, and the treatment of trauma, aiming to help people feel confident and authentic with themselves and in their relationships in order to create a more meaningful life. Simon earned her doctorate in counseling psychology from Fordham University and has worked at The Ackerman Institute for the Family, Brooklyn VA, Center for the Intensive Treatment of Personality Disorder, and Beth Israel Hospital. Currently, Simon works at New York University and Vienna Praxis, a private practice in downtown Manhattan, working with individuals and couples. She aims to connect her clients with their inner resources and deepen self-understanding to be able to find greater intimacy in relationships. As experts in romantic relationships, Humphrey and Simon offer regular workshops in deepening connection to the self and to others, co-host a love and sex podcast, and have made several appearances on the Today Show.
