If you’re dating a sapiosexual person and want to learn how to turn them on, the first step is to know typical seduction attempts don’t work for them. Their idea of foreplay, for example, is to hear about your book collection. Here are 16 ways to create the intellectual synergy needed to fire up a relationship with a sapiosexual: An easy way to seduce your sapiosexual is to get to know them for who they are. To do that, Sweet encourages you to peruse their bookshelf, social media feeds, or even their Netflix queue to learn the kinds of content that stimulate them. “Your first instinct may be to drop a hot game of Catan on the first date when, in fact, they’d be way more into chilling with an episode of Carl Sagan’s Cosmos,” Sweet tells mbg. When you can show genuine enthusiasm or curiosity in their unique interests, sapiosexual people will be more inclined to let you in. “The brain is the most powerful sex organ,” explains certified sex and relationship expert Emily Morse, Ph.D., “and for sapiosexuals, this mind-body connection is crucial when it comes to arousal.” That’s why deeply discussing both your sexual desires and where they come from “works well for sapiosexuals because the biggest turn on can be talking and listening about your turn-ons.” Be vivid as you describe how you’d like to play out some fantasies, as well as generous in your expressions of how they make you feel—you might be surprised to see your partner respond to this much more than a lap dance. (Here’s our full guide to dirty talk for a little inspo.) As you discover each other’s sexual appetites, Morse recommends a Yes, No, Maybe? list to help you learn more about preferences. “For many sapiosexuals, it’ll provide enough verbal fodder and foreplay for days,” she remarks. Once couples figure out where they’re aligned, “they can spend time deep-diving into why they’re into what they are [and] developing extensive erotic road maps.” Participate in their interest, but spice it up and turn it into a make-out tour. If your person loves libraries, for example, visit different libraries in your town—or take a day trip to one in another city—and spend the afternoon perusing and analyzing the titles you like. And, of course, sneak some kisses between the bookshelves. Another option is to start a book club. You can make an erotica-books-only rule to set an intimate tone, but the activity can feel just as sexy if you wax poetic about science or history books. The opportunity to watch you expand on your views and soundly argue differing opinions will be their favorite part of the evening. “Bringing a sapiosexual to a space that provides the opportunity to learn can be incredibly attractive [to them],” she says. In addition to that, exploring these spaces together gives you a chance to understand each other’s interests. Sapiosexuals want to connect with their lovers by exchanging knowledge and philosophical beliefs, so they’ll relish the chance to swap opinions about anything new you learn together. No one can live up to that standard (not even them), so don’t feel pressured to awe this person with your ability to keep up with every topic. Instead, tell them when you’re clueless. After all, true intellectuals can admit when they don’t know something, and your partner might be impressed with your humility. According to Sweet, they certainly won’t be turned on by your attempt to know it all: “Performative intelligence will fall flat and likely turn your beloved sapiosexual right off.” On your next date, be honest when you don’t know something. Your eagerness to learn more will be sure to turn on a sapiosexual, as well as the ability to flex their brain muscles on a topic they love. In this steamy version of the game, whoever has fewer points by the end will be naked first, but Morse notes that everyone wins in this version of the game. You can try this with a game of your sapiosexual’s favorite trivia categories, too: Choose a certain number of clothing items for each player to wear, and then play as you typically would. When someone earns a point, they get to pick one piece of clothing for the other player to remove. Keep playing until the game is over, or when everyone’s as naked as they’re comfortable being. An adult spin works for most intellectual board and card games, so try this with one of your choosing. However, you can also skip them entirely: Stroke your sapiosexual’s brain with a fiery game of debate. Not only will they be sexually attracted to your ability to eloquently express your perspective about a complex subject, but they won’t be able to resist the sight of you respectfully arguing your points. (Feel free to spice this game up with a strip-twist, too.) Are you both fans of Alan Watts, for instance? Plan a Watts-themed date night. “Write down some of your favorite quotes, and fold them into origami for your sapiosexual lover to open,” she suggests, mentioning a reminder to omit any typos or incorrect grammar. If it’s something they’re comfortable with, you can role-play, too: Sweet says to role-play as if you’re Watts leading a class. As you read his lectures aloud, pretend your lover is a sexy, brilliant student in the back of the class. “Use your imagination, get creative, and go deeper,” urges Sweet. “Sapiosexuals love that!” When you chat on social media, text or talk on the phone, or sit across from them at a coffee shop, the sapiosexual you want to woo will admire your ability to adhere to proper spelling and grammar rules in your communication. Sapiosexuals are turned on by the thought of their lover being well read and well spoken—so before you send off your next text to them, triple-check your spelling and fact-check your argument. “It’s often the authentic expression of someone else’s intelligence that is so intriguing and arousing to people who identify as sapiosexual,” Sweet points out. “If you’re really passionate about a topic, show your passion while you discuss it.” Whether it’s your robotics hobby, your favorite French literature, or your interest in cosmic exploration, give them more insight into who you are, and speak vigorously about what excites you. Your expertise will arouse your sapiosexual, especially since you can teach them something new in the process. Sweet says she can attest to this: “I remember being so hot for my 73-year-old sociology professor when I was a 20-year-old undergrad because he was completely passionate about what he was teaching.” Rather than a mainstream movie, watch a documentary from your couch or theirs, or buy tickets to the showing in town when a film festival rolls around. Sapiosexuals want to be captivated by the exchange of topic-specific thought, so don’t forget to hold a discussion after the documentary and compel them with your worldly views. “Intellectual conversation, exploration, and gaining perspective are all qualities that contribute to a sapiosexual’s level of attraction and connection,” Herzog tells mbg. Talking about what you do for a living and where you grew up are important, but a sapiosexual would rather know more about your insights and philosophies. “Plus, exploring questions like these really allows two people to get to know each other on a more meaningful level.” (Here are a bunch of deep conversation starters for couples.) Like the book club, you can dare to write an erotica story that makes you both sweat, but that’s not the only way to excite them during this activity. Since intelligence dazzles sapiosexuals, it’ll be a turn-on when you partake and do well at something that stimulates them. Feelings of desire toward you are sure to stir up as you adequately engage their intellect and create the art they feel passionate about. Whether you read Anais Nin’s classic erotica, 17th-century poetry, or a technical manual, Morse says when you read them a book, you’ll “stoke the sexual and intellectual requirements for many sapiosexuals.” As you read, slowly pronounce and deliver your words to entice your partner to hang on to each one. “This is the sapiosexual equivalent of slowly undressing with your eyes,” emphasizes Morse. To send them over the edge, clearly articulate your words. And according to Sweet, you should be mindful of syntax, cadence, or rhythms that apply to the work at hand. If you succeed, she says, one set of oral skills may lead to another. Once you feel confident in your ability to hold your own in a discussion, plan to spend the next date night play-hosting an episode of your own. All you need to do is download a free app to record the show, then decide which episode to put your spin on, or which topics to cover for the first time in the same style as the podcast show hosts. Remember this doesn’t have to be perfect; what matters is they’ll be touched you went out of your way to indulge their pastime. It’s easy to get riled up in response to views that oppose yours, but no matter whether it’s religion or politics, “a sapiosexual will want to explore the depths of these topics,” notes Herzog. She also mentions these taboo subjects are not only incredibly explorative but also imperative to be honest about. Face these controversial conversations, and let your lover get to know you on a more profound level—Herzog says your sapiosexual will love to dissect your perspective “and the different concepts that deeply shape who you are.”
