We reached out to licensed marriage therapists Beverley Andre, LMFT; Kiaundra Jackson, LMFT; and Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT; for their thoughts on what couples should talk about before getting married. Here are some of the most important, eye-opening questions to ask before marriage: Consider questions like: Consider questions like: You’ll want to understand how you’ll share the housework, child care, and mental load. “Everyone who plans to get married has created a story or a narrative in their head about what that will look like for them. This question is important because it will give you a glimpse into the areas of marriage most important to your partner,” she explains. “Then, you can compare ’notes’ about the similarities and differences of what a perfect marriage means to you both.” Consider questions like: Consider questions like: Additionally, Earnshaw recommends asking what you need from each other when you’re stressed, sad, angry, or dealing with other tough emotions. “People have what is known as meta emotions. Meta-emotion is the way we feel about feelings,” she explains. “Many couples have a meta-emotion mismatch. This means that one person feels and thinks emotions are good, healthy, and important to talk about while the other person believes that they are unhelpful and shouldn’t be discussed. The first person might like to explore and process while the other person is more likely to jump to solutions. When you find out how our spouse likes to be responded to in terms of their emotions, it can make a huge difference.” She also recommends going one step further: “If we change our minds about something really big in our lives, how should we talk about that?” People change their minds about kids, money, career aspirations, and more all the time. What would you do if that happened? “Just asking this question brings to light the reality that you will change your mind about things and that this is normal,” Earnshaw says. “Normalizing change is a good thing and results in transparent and honest communication down the road.” Consider questions like: With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
