A new survey of over 1,000 people conducted by online therapy service Basis identified the most common causes of stress within a relationship. Here are the top three ways our love lives can stress out—and what to do about them: Here’s what to do about it: Here’s what to do about it: Talk to your partner about the way you’re feeling. Tell them you’re not feeling sustained and valued enough in your relationship and see how they respond. If they do care, they’ll make their own change to show you how they feel about you. If they don’t, then you know where they stand. Couples counselor Margaret Paul often teaches about the importance of accepting that we can’t control other people’s hearts or actions and how that acceptance can set us free. “People, especially women, are taught to always try to make relationships work; we are emotional problem-solvers,” she writes at mbg. “But accepting our complete lack of control over others can actually give us a unique form of power. It was not easy, but once I took my eyes off this other person and put them squarely on myself—on what I could do to take loving care of myself in the face of unloving behavior—my life got dramatically better. Instead of spending my energy trying to get love and get others to change, which was making me physically sick, I began to spend my energy learning to love myself. … The reality is, letting go of people who won’t change is a radical act of self-care.” If you’re dealing with one of these common causes of stress in relationships, know that you’re by no means alone. What’s important is figuring out ways of coping with negative feelings around your relationship quickly so they don’t linger and cause you ongoing stress. At the end of the day, the whole point of sharing your life with someone is to offer stability, support, and relief from stress as you move through your life. With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
