That said, a lack of interest in sex doesn’t necessarily mean that a guy doesn’t want to date you. Some people prefer to take their time and wait until things are more serious before having sex with someone, and some people are simply not as interested in sex as they are in other aspects of getting to know a new partner. If you’re not sure where your guy stands, it’s best to just ask him about it, ideally in a nonsexual setting. “Intimacy is vast and is defined differently by everyone,” clinical sexologist Kristie Overstreet, Ph.D., writes at mbg. Not everyone needs emotions to be involved in sex, but for some people, “Emotional intimacy often bolsters sexual intimacy.” If this is the case for your guy, it might be worth just opening up a conversation about what sex means to you and what kind of sex life you envision for your relationship, so you two can get on the same page. “Men, just like women, can get stuck in their heads, finding it hard to let everything go and get in the mood,” AASECT-certified sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman, M.A., writes at mbg. “For many people, stress and worry shut down the systems that would create sexual desire.” It’s possible your guy has a lot on his plate right now that’s making it hard to concentrate on having fun and getting turned on. In fact, he may prefer more low-key activities like watching movies, getting dinner, and having fun conversations because they help him relax in an otherwise stressful time. If you suspect your guy’s nerves are getting the best of him, it can help to just signal to him that you’re attracted to him and do want to have sex with him and that he doesn’t have to worry about meeting some standard. Help him relax and have fun. “While some people are happy to still share sex with their partner despite any negativity in the relationship, plenty of people of all genders are going to avoid it,” Zimmerman says. “And sometimes people withhold sex out of anger and frustration.” No matter what stage of a relationship you’re in—whether you’re in a committed relationship or you’ve just hung out a few times after meeting on an app—it’s helpful to just be open and direct when it comes to sex. Even if things are casual between you or if you’re still very early in the process of getting to know each other, you can still start a conversation about sex to get on the same page. On your next date, bring up the topic of sex and ask him how he feels about having sex with new people. You can even go in a fun and flirty direction depending on how the conversation goes; just make sure to read his body language to gauge if that’s where he’s at. If you’re already in a committed, serious, or exclusive relationship of some sort with this person, find a good time to ask them how they feel about sex and how they see your shared sex life together. Ask if there’s any particular reason he hasn’t been interested in sex, and see if there’s anything you can do to address his concern. With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
