“A common misconception is that insecure people are shy and withdrawn. While this may be true for some people, others may appear outwardly confident. Sometimes it is not until you get to know someone on a deeper level that their self-doubt and insecurity become apparent,” Jamea says. Another common misconception is that being insecure is a character trait, when really it’s a feeling or state of being, according to licensed clinical psychologist Avigail Lev, Psy.D. “If our mind confuses insecurity for a character trait, then every time the feeling of insecurity gets triggered for us, we will assume that something is wrong with us,” she explains. “If we view insecurity as a feeling state that gets triggered for everyone, then we have more compassion with it and kindness toward it, which allows for more acceptance of it.” Jamea says this is common in cases of getting made fun of or being bullied—whether as a child or adult—or because of rejection, like after a breakup or not being included in an activity with friends. People may also experience insecurity because they feel they do not live up to societal norms. “It’s common for women to feel insecure about their bodies and for men to feel insecure about their earnings,” she says, for example. Additionally, some people may be insecure because of the family system they grew up in. Jamea says children who were criticized for expressing themselves or simply not given the space to express themselves often evolve into adults who are insecure. We then compare ourselves to these standards and if we feel we fall short, insecurities develop, according to psychotherapist Shannon Garcia, LCSW. “Your ability to manage these insecure thoughts as they arise will determine how deep-rooted insecurities become,” she adds. “Your history, support network, past trauma, current stress levels, and more affect your ability to respond to negative self-talk and negative messages from others. The good news is, you can retrain your brain to overcome current insecurities and protect from future ones.” According to Garcia, how your primary caregiver (usually parents) responded to your needs as a child develops your attachment style. These attachment styles are a major factor in how a person reacts in relationships. “If you consistently struggle with insecurity in relationships, you may have anxious attachment style. Anxious attachment develops when caregivers respond sporadically to a child’s needs. Sometimes needs are met, and sometimes they are not,” she explains. According to Jamea, folks with an anxious attachment style may experience feelings of doubt that their partner truly cares about them, that they might leave, or that they must love their partners more than they love them. People with this attachment style often get wildly anxious and triggered during conflict and may appear desperate to win back their partner’s love. According to Garcia, common reassurance-seeking questions in relationships include “Are you mad at me?” and “Do you love me?” If one is feeling insecure about their body image, it may be repeatedly asking “Do I look OK?” If your loved ones get frustrated by your frequent questions, it may be because you are subconsciously seeking reassurance. Instead of always looking to what’s next or how where you are now isn’t far enough, learn to appreciate where you are and what is in the here and now. Mindfulness practices can be very helpful in this regard, says clinical psychologist Noël Hunter, Psy.D., which leads us to our next point. In addition to mindfulness and meditation, Hunter also suggests learning to attune to your internal state and let go of tension, as well as generally acting in a loving and gentle way toward yourself, which can make a tremendous difference in how you eventually feel about yourself. She offers an additional tip for this exercise: “If you’re struggling to flip the thought, ask yourself what you’d say to a friend who had that negative thought. Once you write down the alternative or balanced thought, reassess your feelings and notice if your worry and anxiety has lessened.” “When you practice emotion exposure, you notice where in your body the feeling of insecurity feels most intense, you label and track the level of intensity from 0 to 100%, you physicalize the sensations, and practice distancing and defusing from thoughts,” she explains. “Physicalizing sensations involves staying present and tracking sensations in your body by asking yourself what color, shape, texture, temperature, and movement each sensation has in your body and staying open, present, and curious about the physiological experience of the emotion. You continue nonjudgmentally labeling all the different sensations in your body, where they are, physicalizing them, and coming back to tracking the intensity from 0 to 100%.” She adds that the exercise may not feel good in the moment, but in the long run, it helps you make more space for those difficult feelings and have more self-compassion around them. “Feelings are not problematic. Feelings give us information about what matters and what’s important to us. Behaviors can be problematic. If we engage in maladaptive coping mechanisms such as withdrawing, accusing, procrastinating, defending, clinging, and/or attacking when we’re feeling insecure, then it becomes a problem,” she says. The feeling itself is not a problem. We have the same choice to move toward our values whether we feel secure or insecure. We can feel insecure at times and still move toward being honest, authentic, curious, empathic, assertive, and kind. Cultivating self-compassion is the ultimate key to overcoming your insecurities. It’s important to offer yourself grace throughout your journey of healing and growing. Approach your feelings and triggers with curiosity. That way, you can understand them and ultimately use that knowledge to improve your self-confidence and free yourself from your insecurities. Or at the very least, better manage the way you process those feelings.
