There are so many reasons people remain single even when they don’t want to be, ranging from unconscious self-sabotage to systemic barriers to simple, uncontrollable happenstance. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with prioritizing other parts of your life over dating, and if that’s just what’s most important to you at this time, own that and do it proudly! You get to decide what your priorities are, and your dating life can happen on the timeline that you choose. As well, sometimes you’re in a period in your life when dating simply can’t be a priority, even if you want it to be (e.g., you’re raising young kids, you’re dealing with grief or mental health struggles, etc.)—so cut yourself some slack. Just know that just as your career isn’t going to progress if you’re not putting focused attention on it, dating today often requires some initiative and intentionality. While some people might meet a romantic partner organically just by going about their life, whether or not that happens to any given person is random. So if it hasn’t been happening for you and you’re feeling yourself craving partnership at this time in your life, it may be time to start investing in your dating life a little more actively. You might want to prioritize your dating life but you’re scared to actually lean all the way in and do it—because you’re afraid of what others will think of you or afraid of getting hurt. Sometimes it feels safer to sit back and wait around for love to come to you or to say you’re just “too busy” or “focusing on myself right now” than it is to openly admit you want a relationship and do the work it takes to make that happen. According to clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D., sometimes people remain single longer than they might want to be because they simply haven’t met the right person yet. “Despite the quest to be partnered, some people find that they can’t find the right fit,” she tells mbg. Some of us are compatible with all sorts of people, while others need a certain type of personality or relationship dynamic for things to really “click.” For people who fall into the latter group, it might simply take a little longer to wade through potential partners before you find someone you’re truly compatible with. There are many reasons people might constantly find themselves dating the wrong people, but a few of the big ones include: It’s OK to have high standards for a partnership. At the same time, in the slightly crude but pertinent words of Bella Poarch, this ain’t Build-a-B*tch. Many people go into dating with a long checklist of qualities they’re looking for in a partner that’s so detailed that no single person could ever fulfill it all. “If the bar is set too high in the hopes of finding the perfect partner, the right partner may be overlooked,” she explains. While we need to be careful not to have unrealistic expectations of partners, it’s important to still have some standards in terms of what behaviors you will and will not accept. People can find themselves perpetually single if they keep letting in people who cross their boundaries or disrespect them—or if they keep allowing themselves to date people that they just aren’t quite interested in or compatible with. “When we don’t spend the time to create reasonable expectations, we can feel disappointed by—or disappoint—possible partners,” says Manly. For example, if you’re someone who deals with a lot of insecurity in relationships, you might find yourself displaying so-called clingy behaviors that actually end up pushing viable partners away. Or, you might be someone who isn’t able to manage conflict with a cool head, leading to explosive arguments that make the relationship less safe or tolerable for one or both people. Getting real with yourself about any such personal challenges is vulnerable work, but it’s necessary to forming successful, healthy partnerships in the future. For example, our family histories, childhood experiences, and the relationship we had with our parents can have an immense impact on our behavior in relationships as adults. These wounds can manifest as attachment issues, abandonment issues, trust issues, and more, all of which can make sustaining a relationship harder than it needs to be. “When we aren’t aware of our internal challenges or aren’t working to heal them, we often unconsciously push others away,” says Manly. While there’s been much progress in the way of body positivity and inclusivity, the unfortunate truth is that many people are much slower to incorporate these beliefs into their dating lives. Sexual racism, ableism, fatphobia, and all kinds of biases infiltrate the way people interact with each other and choose to date who they date—and who they won’t. “The fact is that dating based on physical matching does not treat us all equally,” says Battle. As well, it’s important to check your mindset when it comes to dating apps: If you go in with an attitude that the apps are a waste of your time and ruining your dating life, that bitterness can seep through your profile, make it harder to connect with people who are actually excited to be there talking to you, and even make you less likely to recognize a strong potential match when they present themselves to you online. We also live in a culture that rewards people—socially and systemically—for their ability to find and sustain romantic relationships, and being single is often treated as a personal failure. In such an environment, it’s no wonder so many people desperately search for partnership and feel ashamed or insecure when they lack one, even when they may not actually intrinsically want one. According to a 2020 report from the Pew Research Center, about 31% of U.S. adults are single, and half of singles are not looking for a relationship or dates currently. Some people also choose to be single their whole lives: A 2017 Pew report found one in seven never-married adults don’t want to get married ever, and 27% say they’re not sure if they want to get married. These and various other recent studies suggest the single population in America is actually growing. This is hard work because it involves attempting to detangle your true desires from what society has told you to desire. It can help to work with a socially conscious therapist or relationship coach to help you parse through what’s yours and what’s not. As part of this process, Battle says it can help to work with a therapist to talk through past relationships and learn how to break old dating patterns. “I recommend taking whatever small step toward their goal of partnership makes sense for them,” says Battle. “It might mean throwing up a dating profile for the first time. Or it might mean being honest with themselves and their friends that they’re ready to start trying the search again. Small steps add up over time and help you get more comfortable with the uncomfortable process of dating.” Manly also suggests finding new ways to put yourself out there, such as joining a hiking club, taking a class, or getting involved with a volunteering group—all places where you can start to meet new people and expand your circle. And if you’re not on the dating apps yet? Do it! If you have no clue where to start, don’t be afraid to reach out for support—dating coaches exist for a reason and can guide you on your journey as you start to dip your toes into dating again. “This will help people who are in a similar position find you. Most people try to sell how great they are, and that’s OK to an extent. Just don’t leave out that you want a relationship and even what that relationship might look like,” she says. “An example might be ‘Looking for someone to watch Marvel movies with who can co-parent my rescue pup.’ Try to envision how someone would fit best into your life and go ahead and ask for it!” “If you feel uncomfortable being single, pause to consider where the discomfort stems from. For example, is it pressure from friends, family, society, or an internal sense of being a ‘fifth wheel’? Whatever the source(s) of discomfort, face them head-on so that you’re freed of the pressure to be partnered,” Manly recommends. Here’s our full guide on how to be happy being single. That said, there’s no set timeline for how long people remain single before finding a relationship. These days, people may have a series of serious relationships throughout their life, interspersed with periods of being single, before getting married—and many of those marriages may then result in divorce, leading again to another period of singleness. Some people also choose to remain single all their lives. Now, if you’re someone who does want a long-term partnership but has yet to experience it, or often struggles to make relationships work when they do come along, you’ll need to look closely at your dating history and patterns to understand what barriers might be standing in your way—whether they’re coming from your circumstances or from within. Just remember that your timeline doesn’t need to match up with that of the people around you. We all come at relationships with a different set of needs, histories, personality traits, identities, and life priorities, all of which will affect our dating lives and at what point in our lives we’ll enter into the meaningful partnerships we seek. Give yourself a little grace and a little compassion as you move through the journey. With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
