As usual, these stereotypes can be pretty harmful, not only because they’re prescriptive (tell a woman to fret about sex enough times and she probably will, right?) but because those who fall outside those expectations can be left feeling abnormal or even ashamed for not fitting the mold. These gendered myths are also far from accurate: Plenty of research shows women enjoy casual sex without any qualms about it, and now a recent study1 published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy shows men can get emotional or even sad after sex too. “There is still much to be discovered about why some people experience post-coital dysphoria and others don’t,” clinical sexologist and psychotherapist Kristie Overstreet, Ph.D., tells mbg. “There isn’t a definitive answer for why some do or do not experience this dysphoria. It isn’t necessarily linked to the quality of sex, your relationship, or your personality. Many people who are in a happy, supportive, and loving relationship experience post-coital dysphoria.” Some possible contributing factors? The study also surveyed men about any symptoms of psychological distress they were currently experiencing, any past abuse they’d experienced, and any sexual dysfunction. All three were associated with PCD, with psychological distress playing the biggest role. “Post-coital dysphoria may take form in different ways than sadness or distress,” Dr. Overstreet says. “It can also be feelings of anger and frustration, which is often the way men show what they are feeling.” That isn’t to say crying after sex is off the table for guys. Here are some of the ways men described their emotions following sex to the researchers: Vanessa Marin, a psychotherapist specializing in sex therapy, calls myths about men being unemotional and obsessed with sex “outdated and harmful.” “We do have stereotypes that men are less emotional than women, so that makes it a lot harder for men to admit that they’re feeling emotional at all, much less feeling emotional after sex,” Marin explains. “We have stereotypes that men are supposed to be obsessed with sex, so the idea that a man could feel anything other than pure physical satisfaction after sex seems foreign to a lot of people. It makes a lot of men with PCD feel ashamed and embarrassed.” But the truth is, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about when it comes to PCD. In fact, studies like these show that almost half the population has probably experienced it at least once in their life anyway. If you’re dealing with PCD regularly, no matter your gender, Marin and Dr. Overstreet both suggest being gentle with yourself and taking time to process the emotions—without pushing them away or pretending they don’t exist. You can use a journal to explore these feelings, and you might consider talking to your partner about what you’re experiencing so they aren’t caught off guard after sex and don’t accidentally exacerbate the situation. Just being able to name what you’re going through (post-coital dysphoria—remember it!) can go a long way. The results of this study reinforce the fact that people of all genders can experience a wide array of complex and nuanced emotions related to sex. All the more reason for us to ditch the antiquated gender stereotypes around sex once and for all. With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
