“Relationship anxiety refers to the feelings one often associates with getting to know someone for the first time on a romantic level,” says licensed psychotherapist Siobhan D. Flowers. She goes on to say that It’s “an innate desire to be ’liked’ and ‘accepted,’” she says, adding that it’s a “very common” anxiety. Indeed, the signs that someone is experiencing early relationship anxiety are a little more apparent thanks to social media and smartphones connecting us to whomever, whenever. According to Sanam Hafeez, an NYC-based neuropsychologist and faculty member at Columbia University, neediness in the form of sending multiple texts, holding your breath until you get a response, and then overanalyzing what they said is a telltale sign that you’re deep in the trenches of early relationship anxiety. “Checking their social media constantly to see who they recently friended on Facebook and what comments were made,” Hafeez says, is also a manifestation of this anxiety—one that never existed prior to 24/7 connectivity. Other ways this anxiety shows up in your actions? Asking about love, about moving in together, constantly bringing up a vacation or event months in advance to test their commitment—basically any subject matter having to do with the future can be a sign of early relationship anxiety. It’s a way of putting out feelers to verify how the other person feels about the relationship. Hafeez says things like resenting your partner for having a night out with their friends or for giving up a routine or something important to you like doing a spin class after work together is another way early relationship anxiety can show itself. That being said, however, Reardon says how you respond to the unknown of what’s to come of your relationship is generally a reflection of one of three things: “Ironically, people with anxious attachment styles usually partner up with people with avoidant attachment styles,” Reardon tells mbg, which, as you can imagine, might be a recipe for disaster. “As much as these styles match, they actually bring out the worst in each other,” Reardon says. “The anxious partner gets more anxious, the avoidant more avoidant, so in that sense, they are totally reacting to each other, and although they’re definitely bonding, it’s not in a healthy way.” Does your anxiousness stem from negative experiences in past relationships? Or are they tied to something particular about this relationship and this person? If the former, acknowledging your fear of being hurt again can help you at least understand and accept your feelings of anxiety. If the latter, it’s worth considering whether the relationship you’re in is really giving you enough joy to outweigh the negativity. If your partner responds poorly to your need for reassurance—or if you don’t feel comfortable asking for it from this person for whatever reason—then that’s another reason to think through whether the relationship you’re in is really the right one for you. After all, Clarissa Silva, behavioral scientist, relationship coach, and the creator of Your Happiness Hypothesis Method, tells mbg you want to find someone who complements you and who brings out the best in you. However, before talking to your partner, Harris tells mbg it’s important to think about how much attention and affection you expect from the people in your life and be realistic with yourself about those expectations. “It’s really important to get your needs for connection met in a variety of places, such as from your friends and social network,” Harris says. “It’s not possible or healthy for one person to be your everything.” In other words, hone in on how this new bond enhances your life in the present moment. When you’re focused on everything you’re not getting from your new partner, it can be easy to get consumed by anxiety, longing, and frustration. But maintaining a practice of focusing on all the good stuff the new relationship is adding to your life can help dispel that negative energy and allow you to enjoy the ride—unknowns and all.
